While we say we are desperately seeking connection, many times it is lost because of our own behaviors, choices and communication, rather than what another person is doing. This is good news!
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Sometimes talking an issue through is just not the way to connection. Have you ever talked about something for hours and hours, or days, even weeks? Just creating more and more tension. And sometimes it’s just the best. Here’s what happened between me and Steve this past weekend.
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One of the most challenging aspects of communication is becoming mindful of the things we say. If it is true that everything a person says and does is an attempt to meet a need, then knowing what our own needs are is critical for feeling satisfied in life and in our relationships. Yet, this kind of self-awareness about where we focus our attention when communicating seems elusive to many of us. In all kinds of situations.
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Maybe you are like me and when you find yourself in conflict you want to work it out right away?! I have found over the years that there are many times when this is just not the best idea. Why? Because talking it out with the person who you are in conflict with isn’t always the most efficient or even effective strategy to get needs met.
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Sometimes when someone is doing something we don’t like, we find it very difficult to are about why they are doing/saying it, and we find it very easy to label them as wrong. Some things are just so awful to hurtful to us, we lose our capacity to react any other way.
Has this happened to you? You really want to understand what motivated someone to do something —you sometimes even think you are trying to understand what motivated someone to do something. Your voice is pleasant, you insist that you really are curious. Yet, when it comes down to it, you really are furious, or disappointed, maybe full of despair. If you were able to slow it down enough and check in, you would be able to notice it.
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Yesterday I was having a coffee (well, I had the carrot salad and fizzy water) with a friend. This is Kim, a kindred spirit who I am inspired by and with and feel grateful when it works out that we can hang out. We were catching up after her travels; she was on a journey with one of her mentors/spiritual teachers in Mexico.
Our conversation was lovely and lively, and was running deep.
And then, I noticed a shift. It was ever so slight, a move in my seat, a twitch in my face, a noticing of a mild ‘unpleasant’.
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Most people are super-enthusiastic when they come to my classes and hear what seems like poetry and expresses the Nonviolent Communication consciousness. They hear the compassion, the curiosity, the clarity and the strength that can be communicated ~ even in significantly difficult situations.
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What are people really saying to you? You can use these barometers to help you understand what is important to the person you are speaking with --and also for yourself, when you might be confused.
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How did you contribute to the situation you are unhappy about?
In my opinion it is one of the most empowering questions we can ask of ourselves. When we are in a situation that we aren’t so happy about, depending what it is, then I encourage you to consider this first.
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