Connection Lost and Found
Connection. It’s one of the needs that arises as a longing probably the most. It seems elusive to so many. I wonder if we used other words to describe what we are hoping for it would be easier for another person to understand. Not only that, if we explored more deeply exactly what we are hoping for, that we might understand ourselves better as well.
The more nuanced your capacity to articulate exactly what’s missing will help you to navigate bringing ‘it’ back into your experience.
Over the years I have noticed that, while we say we are desperately seeking connection, many times it is lost because of our own behaviors, choices and communication, rather than what another person is doing. We are blind to the idea that not only can we generate connection, in fact, at times, we foster the disconnection in our relationships. No matter how much another is offering us connection, we don’t experience it.
This can be good news.
It has to do with our past experiences, which create the filters, or lenses through which we make meaning of things. If my partner says no to something I ask for, I might make it mean he doesn’t care, and because I am so hurt by what I think about that, I pull back. Instead of staying present to the conversation, I leave. Physically, emotionally or both. I’ve lost connection with my partner, not because of the no I received, but because of my response to hearing the no.
Hearing someone’s no gives me the opportunity to connect even more with them. I can get curious about why they don’t want to do the thing I asked for. This is when slowing down, and remembering a few things will support productive and effective and heartful connected and compassionate communication. In addition to the remembering the need(s) I was hoping to meet by the initial request, pivoting to noticing the need of connection that has now presented itself when I heard no.
When you do this connection is both lost and found.
If we rush through and stay in the distress of hearing someone’s no, and believe that it means that they don’t care about us, we lose the opportunity for connection. What is actually happening in this case of rushing, and not taking the time to pause in order to understand all the needs that have risen, is that we have lost connection with ourselves (or the need of connection itself). That loss remains outside our awareness. The outcome is we believe that if they just said yes, we would have the connection we long for once again. In this case, though, even if the other person is present and very connected, they become confused by our distress and burgeoning demands that they agree to do something they don’t want to, or aren’t able to. Their response to the demands (or demand energy) is to actually become more distant. Now we have lost connection with ourselves and the person we are talking to. Marshall Rosenberg might say (I will definitely say) that we have tragic strategies to meet our needs.
If we take the pause and nuance what needs, in addition to connection are important, we might be able to explore with curiosity all the strategies we can come up with to meet the needs of all. This will create spaciousness and more confidence that all needs can be met, rather than demanding that a person do what you want them to, or else!
Many years ago, when working with a beloved teacher, he offered us this thought, “If you can just think of the need in your mind, you are halfway there to experiencing it”. At the time, it was a little bit of a bombshell blasting through my stuck-ness and since then I have experienced so much freedom and, believe it or not, connection in most of my relationships most of the time. It’s so simple, and for the very most part, within my control. Knowing this relieved me of all the time I spent convincing someone else to take on the burden of me experiencing connection. I literally just had to think the word. Ultimately building on that by considering all the offers and requests that would lead to what I wanted more of.
What are some of the other needs that might be connection adjacent? Belonging, to matter, to be seen and heard (although, just like with connection these are a bit mixed up with agreement, and being able to have the experience even if someone else doesn’t agree with me). Others might be communion, companionship, kinship, intimacy (emotional, spiritual), shared reality, mutual understanding, just to name a few.
When you are longing for connection with someone else, simply make an offer or a request that generates the very thing you are looking. Remember you are your own connection lost and found.