Loving Conflict
A while back I came across the words loving conflict on a website and was immediately moved to capture them. In my years of exploring conflict resolution strategies, I’ve had many opportunities to consider what the word conflict means to me, and what it means to others.
In general, conflict has a bad rap, something to be avoided. For many, literally to be avoided at all costs. Truthfully, the costs might be more than you anticipate or imagine.
Why?
Because when we experience conflict with people we care about, and just ‘hold it in’ because [insert whatever reason you have for not speaking up] you will absolutely develop resentment(s). Isn’t that exactly what unspoken resentments are? Over time, these can grow and fester and become almost impossible to unpack and overcome.
hat if conflict and its resolution was actually enjoyable, or at very least interesting? What if it was, indeed, loving? It is possible. Learning this skill can transform connections and communication into bonding experiences and will lead to building deep trust with those you care about. Let alone giving you the capacity to ‘be authentic’ in all situations. Creating more and more ease in your life as well. Less tension, less walking on eggshells and less being in ongoing distress about things that happened years ago which haven’t left the system yet.
Conflict can simply be disagreement about something. It doesn’t require fighting or even uncomfortable feelings. Dominic Barter, developer of Restorative Circles, offered this as his definition: Conflict is new information coming into a system. When we don’t make room for, or resist the information flow, it becomes uncomfortable and possibly ‘violent’ or painful.
Because we haven’t learned how to disagree with each other in a way that maintains –even highlights our care for one another, we try to overstep or ignore, or pretend it isn’t happening, or isn’t important. One of the reasons we avoid speaking up is that your nervous system tells you (erroneously) that your safety is at stake if you disagree. It is this reason why it is healthy and healing to learn how to navigate conflict.
Because when we disagree with someone, we tend to believe that our opinion is the right one. We lose the capacity to be curious about the other and only have the skill to make them wrong if they don’t agree. Leading to arguments, resentment and often the end of relationships. And we don’t want to risk that.
Because we take on the responsibility for another’s feelings. Rather than simply care about their feelings. It’s a burden that isn’t ours to assume, yet still we take it, which stops us from speaking up when we disagree, or want something to change in our relationships. Again, unspoken resentments build.
All these ways to avoid diving in and exploring what our conflicts are, literally creates unhealthy chemistry in our bodies --chronic distress is not good for us. Physically as well as emotionally. This condition impacts all the other aspects of our lives. It is much more difficult to be creative when our body is in some level of fight/flight.
How about if we welcomed (even loved) conflict? What if we deeply believed that conflict is simply new information coming into the system. What would it be like if you blessed the opportunity to learn more about what’s important to the other person. What if you were curious, rather than afraid? Conflict in this way is a path to more intimacy in your relationships. How would this change in context impact your idea of what conflict is and what it isn’t?
Conflict is usually, if not always, about strategies. We share the same universal human needs. If you explore the needs behind your scary feelings, and consider the needs of the other, you might find that you share similar needs. No conflict at this level. Spending time savoring the shared reality might offer you the connection required to move on with the conversation.
Acknowledging that some topics are quite fraught with ‘dealbreaker’ requests, and these are a bit more challenging to navigate in love. Simply said, are you willing to meet your own needs, and choose the relationship limits (boundaries) that serve you. Are you willing to make difficult choices based on what’s true. I have noticed over the years, that this, in particular is the hard thing to do. We instead choose to remain in relationships where our needs really won’t be met if they don’t shift in some way and yet, we are not willing to make those shifts.
I work with a good deal of couples (and have friends) who have wildly different beliefs about big picture values; political or medical interventions are two examples. These situations can be quite emotional and challenging to navigate, because it can mean that the relationship you have chosen isn’t going to be pleasant or manageable in the long run, given the differences along with your commitment to things being your way. Inviting the conflict then highlights choices that you ‘really don’t want to make’. This is another reason you might think that conflict is bad –because your relationship will end, or shift in some enormous way. However, accepting these differences and mourning the loss of a dream will offer you years of possibility, rather than years of ongoing arguments about those differences.
If you are an over-celebrator as I consider myself to be, then you might be used to sending appreciations over and over to people who have contributed to your life in some way. With similar energy, it becomes easier to share with equal consideration and joy, when you aren’t in agreement, or at least it seems that way. Relationships steeped in honesty, basking in joy and appreciation will result in you feeling more confident that your conflict isn’t a threat to anything. It’s just something else to talk about.