Who Called Who What?

One of the most challenging aspects of communication is becoming mindful of the things we say.  

If it is true that everything a person says and does is an attempt to meet a need, then knowing what our own needs are is critical for feeling satisfied in life and in our relationships.

Yet, this kind of self-awareness about where we focus our attention when communicating seems elusive to many of us.  In all kinds of situations.    

We tend to be focused on what the other person is saying and doing.  They are either doing it right, or they are doing it wrong.  And when they are doing it wrong, our life is uncomfortable.  We can’t be happy.  That is why we want them to change.  We insist in a variety of ways that they are the problem.  Often it comes out in the labels we place on them, without even realizing it.  They are just messy, or they are not very communicative, or they are too sensitive.  When we say these kinds of things nicely, we believe we are not doing it.  We mean no harm.  It ends up being harmful if you want to create connection and mutual understanding. 

While it matters a great deal right now politically and in the big picture, I also see this over and over in my coaching sessions, friendships, let alone on television —whether it is on ‘the news’, drama shows, situation comedies and the like.  It has become the polarized condition of our culture.  

When people trying to enjoy a partnership or even enjoy a conversation insist that they are open minded or open hearted and the other is the problem, I consider it a red flag.  Usually with relative consistency, they are able to notice when the other person is name calling, and they aren’t able to notice their own labeling, name-calling, and judgements —offered as the truth, which further fuels the flames of misunderstanding and disconnection.  

The good news is you have a few options to interrupt the conversation, slow things down, become mindful of what you really want to happen in the discussion and then begin the practice.  I use the word practice intentionally, because this will become a practice.  Like any sport, or new skill, you must practice this to make the changes you are hoping for.  Think of it like a communication practice, like a yoga practice, or a meditation practice or part of your mindfulness practice.

If this is an ongoing situation in your life I encourage using the Four Components of Nonviolent Communication as a tool to find connection again.  Saying only Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests allows you to notice how often you may be tempted to throw a few judgements and labels into the mix.  If you limit your communication to saying just these four things it automatically brings your attention to yourself.  While not particularly taught as such, it is a mindfulness practice.  

Knowing yourself is required before you can be authentic, open and honest with someone else.  

Of course that is what we all want, intimacy and connection, mutual understanding, to be seen and heard.  While it is so much easier when someone else becomes responsible for their side of a relationship, for you it will be impossible until you become responsible for your side.  Meaning no matter who you are relating to, it might be a bit troublesome.  You might never feel quite seen, except with those who see the world exactly like you do.  Which tend to be few and far between. 

Please don’t confuse being seen for who you really are by the experience of agreement.  Being with friends who agree with you also feels so good.  Ahhh.  Yummy feelings.  Until something happens and they don’t agree.  Then almost in an instant, life with this person also becomes uncomfortable.  Unless you develop good communication skills, it will be difficult to navigate this shift, often resulting in creating more distance, until this friendship becomes ancillary.

Please also don’t limit your practice to those who are ‘also doing their work’.  Possibly you will choose to be in partnership and close relationships with those who also want to be quite mindful of what they say and do.  Yet, the more you practice, the more you can enjoy lots of people for lots of reasons.  It just might not be deep intimacy.  You might be robbing yourself of relationships that bring you great joy, connection, inspiration, creativity.  This mindfulness work I am inviting you to do offers you opportunities to meet particular needs in specific relationships that you might not otherwise be able to.

When you do want to develop deeper, more intimate relationships, it is indeed much easier when the other person does as well.  It will, however, continue to be your job to take care —again mindfully, to notice what’s important to you, using your communication tools to determine if your needs will actually be met inside your relationship.  Remember it is easy to forget this, and once again, fall into believing it is the other person’s job to change in order to make you happy.

The remedy for this is to slow conversations down.  Remember your mindfulness practice.

Bring your focus back to yourself.  Consider what’s important to you and what you might say or do that will invite that back to your conversation.

In these times when dialogue seems to be non-existent and name-calling seems to be all the rage, if that is what you want to do then choose it.  Please notice if you have fallen into the category of someone who thinks they are engaging in civil discourse when in reality you are doing the very thing you are accusing the other of and seemingly completely unaware of.

Resolving conflict is a choice.  Understand why —what needs are met by choosing to take actions intended to resolve conflicts in your life is essential for increasing the likelihood that you will be able to.  You are not required to make this choice.  If you choose to take action which (intended or not) stimulates conflict, or leaves underlying conflicts standing, understanding what needs you are attempting to meet by this choice, will offer you more confidence in making that choice.

If you choose to attempt to resolve conflict, curiosity about what needs others are/were attempting to meet and accepting responsibility for any contribution you have made (intentional or otherwise) to the misunderstanding is the most likely way to generate enough understanding and mutuality to appreciate the others.

Just don’t confuse the two.