Looking for Love

Sing along with me:  I was looking for love in all the wrong places.  Looking for love in too many faces…The full lyrics are here,

Are you interested in finding love?  Unless you are currently feeling resigned, I’m guessing you are a yes.  Whether with a partner or inside your family relationships, friendships –anywhere really?  I enjoy experiencing love and all the other needs that are love adjacent:  companionship, care, community, to matter, acknowledgement, and belonging to name just a few. 

Why is it so important literally to all of us?

Because humans are pack animals, we track on this first:  Who are my people?  Are you in my tribe?  Do I matter to you?  Essentially do you love me?  Generally speaking, if we trust that we belong, our biochemistry says ‘we’re safe’ and we relax.

The desire to partner well, to feel confident and secure with those we choose to hold close is biologically a need, so let’s not pretend we are strong and need no one.  Certainly money can offer us a feeling of security because we can buy our care with insurance and the like so we feel calm –although probably not happy.  Money doesn’t offer us our tribe.

Our negativity bias has us noticing and reacting when love seems elusive or missing in our relationship(s).  When looking for love, change your glasses and see if you can notice it when it is happening –even in the most unlikely ways, by the most unlikely people.  Perhaps this story will inspire you.  Mind you, I am committed to offering ‘love’ and celebrating it in all the ways it shows up in my life. 

This is my story of finding love at the Sanitation Dropoff Center

I live in Philadelphia.  We are not known for our pleasant demeanor.  As Donald Trump once said, Bad Things Happen in Philadelphia.  I’m guessing it took about 45 minutes for us to have T-shirts selling out off the shelves with the meme emblazoned on the front.  Philadelphians embrace and celebrate our ruthless, out loud and raw spirit.

Yet there is another side to us.  Sometimes found in the most unexpected situations.  

I recently took a trip to my municipal sanitation hazardous waste drop off point.  I had a light bulb that I wanted to be recycled.  It seems an unlikely place for love, yet I found it there a few times now.  Each time I drop of my hazardous waste, I feel more connection and joy and celebration and yes, love leaving then when I arrived.  Truly magical. 

The sanitation center closest to my home is on the river’s edge.  I’m not sure why they have such an unsightly activity in such a potentially lovely place.  It’s one of my pet peeves about Philadelphia --of which there are many.  I’ve joked with the people who work there that I imagine, they just push everything over the edge into the Delaware River at the end of the day.  We laugh and laugh, yet sometimes I think it could be true, yet this is a story of another kind and for another time.

About a year or so ago I drove there to drop off some electronics.  The center is about 3 miles from my home.  In the city, that can be considered quite a distance.  In this case, easy to get to because there aren’t many traffic lights.  It’s a 10-minute riverside drive going and even less coming home.

I drove in the gate (there are two gates, separated, literally, by a pole).  I went in on the right side of that pole, which delivered me to the guard station.  I asked the woman who greeted me where to put my stuff and she directed me.  Adding that first I must pull out of the yard and enter through the left side of the gate.  Which would have me be at the exact location that I was already.  I asked in my typical, I’m guessing sarcastic sounding “Really?!” and she said yes.  She further explained that they had cameras.  I could tell this was important to her.  Without more dialogue, I backed up and pulled in on the left side of the pole.  I walked my stuff to the proper bin, and began to head out.

She stopped me on my way out and shared that the city has cameras and her job was actually at stake if they witnessed her not following the rules.  She continued by telling me that she didn’t particularly agree with the city and we had a laugh and a good deal of connection about the silly things we do sometimes because, in this case, she could keep her job (needs:  security, safety).  I felt so connected with her, we laughed, and sighed and I empathized with her situation and supported the choices she was making in life to care for herself and said so.  I remember being grateful that I had not argued with her when she insisted that I re-enter in the proper way so that we could have that connection with each other.

A few weeks ago, I returned to the same place. I believe it was the same woman at the entrance –I’m not 100% sure.  I entered on the left side of the pole and stopped to check in with her about where I should put my light bulb.  This was a very thin fluorescent bulb in a box –less than 1” in diameter, and she couldn’t figure out what I was dropping off.  She kept guessing and I kept saying light bulb.  It was kind of funny.  She came to the car, and finally got it.  I had already opened the door because I wanted to get closer to her so she could see it more clearly. 

I guess this woman thought it was funny/cute that an elder lady headed all the way up there to drop off one light bulb.  She literally leaned into my car and gave me a hug.  We laughed and hugged and I dropped my bulb where she directed me to.

I left the Philadelphia Sanitation Center at the edge of the Delaware River feeling alive and welcome and joyful.  Is this love?  I experienced it as true love.

I also offer this reminder that needs don’t necessarily go in one direction or another.  Don’t be parsimonious with opportunities to create the love you wish to experience in the actions of others.  Love and care and respect all can be manifested or at least woven into every life experience if we just remember that it is our need. 

It’s another way to look for love.  It’s right inside of us.  We can access love at any moment that we are hoping for it.   Bear in mind that when we are wanting love from whoever outside of us that we are in conversation with is simply one strategy.  Perhaps they are longing for love as well.  If you are simply able to offer it, then you both have more love in your lives. 

When you are actually looking for love, (rather than looking for the lack of love) you just might see it everywhere.  Including your local Hazardous Waste Facility.