Heartbroken

We humans really struggle.  We struggle to find true inner peace.  We struggle to find intimate relationships that are satisfying, nurturing and fun.  We struggle to find deep friendships.  We struggle to find food that truly nourishes us.  We struggle to enjoy life.   In general, our internal question (while varying to some degree) is “What’s wrong with me?” We look to others to answer that question, or ‘love’ us enough so that we can pretend we see our own value.  It puts a great deal of pressure our friends and family to have enough resources to keep us afloat.  Especially as they are struggling as well.  Life gets quite complicated and often painful if we don’t sort this out.

How do we get out from under this misperception that others are responsible for our happiness?

First thing is to understand what I mean by this.  Please don’t confuse that with the sense that you (or the others) need not care about each other.  That is not what I am saying.  The purpose of Nonviolent Communication components, strategies and structures and what I offer here is exactly the opposite!  It is so we are free to care, without the burden of being responsible for someone else’s wellbeing. 

How many times has this happened in your conversations?  You say something and the other person gets upset.  Your response is one of two:  What did I do or say that caused this distress? (What’s wrong with me?) or; Why are they upset –being too sensitive? (What’s wrong with them?)  Looking for someone to blame for the distress.  [Comment here and I’ll send you a copy of my Hard to Hear Messages worksheet].

When you are struggling to find calm in the moment of distress, one of the first things you can do to re-establish connection to your own needs (and the needs of others) is to get curious about how the misunderstanding is happening vs. whose fault it is.  I understand that many struggle to slow the experience down enough to think this through, and remain in the reaction of their distress.

I understand the idea of being *triggered* and losing one’s capacity in the moment to care about the impact of their behavior on another.  Often described with the term ‘trauma informed’.  Unless we unpack what that means, people tend to continue on with their pattern(s) of “I cannot be held for my response because I am so linked to a past event(s) I can’t differentiate it from what’s happening now.”  This can actually be true.  Our present is linked biochemically and/or neurologically to our past in a way.  [A great resource on this topic is a book called A General Theory of Love.] Our reactions to distressing events aren’t logical or obvious, because the actual source of distress happened years and years ago. Unless we slow down our response, we will continue to confuse it with what is happening right before us now. 

Additionally, I think it’s more than just what happened in our nuclear family (and cultural norms) while growing up, As Thomas Berry wrote, “The root of all our pathology stems from our perception that we are separate from the natural world.”  The more and more we lose our connection with the natural world, the less and less we can truly find our deep sense of belonging and place in the world.  It is more difficult to believe we matter, or truly feel confident.  We have lost trust in ourselves. 

This blog is entitled:  Heartbroken.

Here’s why.

A few weeks ago, I was with two friends.  A strong disagreement --more like one person shared what I experienced, as extreme distress, over what wasn’t exactly clear to me.  You might call it an argument, except that only one person was arguing.  Many things were named:  you do this, you did that, etc. and there were many.  The other person was wanting to stay calm and understand where to begin the actual conversation, yet the first person wasn’t interested (or able at the moment).  One of the things I heard said was, “I am not scared of you”.  This came from the person who was in distress and (opinion alert!) was yelling at the other for about 45 minutes, without much time between sentences for any kind of response.  In that moment, my heart broke.  My mind immediately went to, I wonder if the other person was afraid? and in the moment the distressed person didn’t care enough to check in about that.  Again, understanding that they were in fight/flight mode and lost that capacity –which I understand happens.

My commitment was to just stay present and not involve myself unless someone asked me to.

Which happened the next day.  The triggered person asked me if I wanted to say something about what happened, and I replied that I was fine and that I preferred to have this conversation remain between those two.

Days (or maybe weeks) later, the person reached out again asking me for a conversation and I agreed, repeating that I have nothing in particular to add, and I was happy to listen to what they wanted to share with me.

During our phone call we talked a good deal about what happened for that person.  We talked for about an hour, and at some point, I asked if they ever considered that the person they were wanting to argue with might have been afraid in those moments given the ferocity of their voice and eyes, etc.  They did not.  Long story short, I also said during this call –based on what I heard them say is that they might, with hindsight, have regretted how they approached the other with their distress.  They said they did not have regret.  Continuing with ‘it’s their process’ and they have the right speak in any way they want.  Once again, I felt heartbroken.  Sad.  Disappointed and deflated.  I wanted this person, now, when they were in calm alert (meaning not in distress), to care enough about the impact of their actions on another that they might have regret.  It just doesn’t have to happen this way.  We can, if we do our work, care about another even when we are in distress, and especially when we are not.

What I am believing is that their shame story (their internal belief) is that in order for them to matter enough to speak up, they must give up the care (momentarily) they might have for another.  That everyone’s needs don’t actually matter.  This is what I think most people mean when they speak about trauma informed.  That even when you are calm, truth be told, your history still lives on as true and impacts your relationship(s) now.  Invoking that allows us to take ourselves off the hook for our reactions and responses.  For how we are in the world.  It  is quite the challenge to re-wire (or re-calibrate) our biochemical and neurological history, yet if we don’t do that internal work, we are destined for more distress in our relationships and general, overarching unhappiness unless we do as we are existing in chronic low level fight/flight.

My deep hope is that all of us can remember that caring for and holding tightly to our needs does not require us to abandon caring for another’s.  It is not either/or.  This is the deep work of Nonviolent Communication.