Communication Basics: Using Static Language

When you are communicating with your family, friends, significant others, kids, and co-workers, please consider the subtle differences that make a significant difference in how connecting the conversation(s) will be.

Today, let’s talk about the use of Static Language: It is, You are, She is and the like.  Words that hold something or an idea static in space. 

The more you can drop out of using these phrases and into the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) invitation to name an observation, share your feeling(s), identify your need(s) and then make an offer or ask for something that will more likely get the need(s) met, and the more connecting and easy (less tense) your conversations will be.  Get off the egg shells in your relationships!

What is the difference?

Static language suggests that things are static –meaning it exists in reality in the way you describe.  Rather than acknowledging that it’s simply your opinion. 

And it isn’t true. 

We often do it without noticing when someone describes us in a way that we like.  You are so courageous!  You are so brave. You are kind.  No arguments.  However, If you take that label today, tomorrow when you do something they don’t like, you must accept that description as well.  You are so lazy.  You are so arrogant.  You are inconsiderate.  Much harder to accept as true, right?

What is true is that your feelings (and thoughts) change in response to ‘what just happened’. 

The NVC invitation is to share the observation [what someone did or said], then how you feel about it.  For example:  Last night when you went ahead and made dinner without asking me if I was hungry or wanted something as well, I felt sad and confused.  I would have loved some consideration and nourishment.  I was so hungry.  Next time you make dinner and I am with you, will you let me know just in case I’d like to eat as well?  Compared to:  Last night you were incredibly inconsiderate.  How could you order dinner without even asking me?!Here's a simple example which will offer more clarity about what Static Language is.  Rather than saying, IT IS COLD (static), instead say, I AM COLD or I FEEL COLD (how you feel right now).

Are you immediately able to notice the difference between these phrases?  The observation is:  It is 40 degrees with 20 mph wind gusts.  For some they feel comfortable in this temperature and weather situation.  For others, they think it’s unpleasant. 

This subtle shift in language can be big deal when communicating.  Shifting from announcing that your assessment of the weather is what is true, telling people how you feel or experience the weather allows for everyone to feel free share their experience of the weather.  In the first statement, It IS COLD, they are in a position of having to disagree with you, which, for many reasons, they may not want to or be able to.  Especially if you are talking about something that is important to them (or you both).   Those who identify as conflict avoidant, will likely avoid engaging further (without letting you know).

Rather than a declaration of what is true, what you say becomes an invitation for dialogue.  There is nothing to agree or disagree on.  The temperature (and wind speed, and the precipitation) are all what they are.  What you think and feel about those things might be different than me.  When shifting to observations and feelings, there is nothing to disagree about.  In a way there is no conflict.  It brings you into the spirit of mutual curiosity and care.  It is also more revealing (vulnerable) to share what’s in your heart, the habit I’m encouraging you to engage in more often. 

Can you remember examples when this has happened in your life?

Let’s try translating an example here for your practice:

1.      Last night, your mom was so mean spirited, I really don’t understand why she doesn’t like me.

What response might you get? 

My mom was just being honest.  Do you prefer that she lie to us?  Besides, I agree with what she said.  Perhaps you are being a bit too sensitive.  Her life is hard right now.

Let’s translate the initial communication:

Last night, I felt so confused and a bit sad, when your mom told me how overcooked the meat was.  I’m curious if she understands how much it means to me to have her here for the holidays, and how hard I tried to make something she would enjoy?  Do you think she knows that?

What response might you get?

You know, I think my mom doesn’t get it.  I think she is dealing with her aging in a way that is distressing to her.  She loved cooking the holiday meals for the family and now that she is unable to, she might have a bit of a backwards way of appreciating you in all her fears and disappointment.  Perhaps we can have a conversation with her together?  We can tell her how hard to you tried and empathize with her.  My guess is that we can come up with a plan that is more satisfying for everyone.  Is that something you want to try?

2.      The person you voted for is a raving lunatic.  I simply cannot believe you made a choice like that.  What happened to you?

What response might you get?

You are so close minded.  Every time I bring up my concerns you just tell me how crazy they are and that I’ve been brainwashed.  I’m so sick of this and quite frankly sick of you.

Let’s translate the initial communication.

I am having so much trouble understanding how you made a choice to vote for the candidate you did.  I thought for sure that we were on the same page about what we cared about, and now it seems that it isn’t true.  I’m not sure we will come to any kind of agreement, yet I want to talk this through.

What response might you get?

It has been so challenging for us.  And yes, I’d like to try.  We really haven’t had the capacity to navigate our strong feelings that arise when we think about the other’s choice.  Let’s make some agreements about how we will respond before we begin to see if that will help us.  Or perhaps find someone to help us navigate the rough spots?  I can ask so and so if they will help.  I really care about you, and while I know you think we are super separated on our ideas right now, and I’d like to share with you why I think we might be more aligned than you think.

Do you have an example in your own life that you might try translating the static description someone used about you (or someone else)?  The practice might help you when offering empathy (or listening with empathic ears).  It also might help you to be mindful if you find static language something you struggle with from time to time. 

One of the benefits of slowing conversations down, is to support you noticing what is being said.  Is what you are saying an invitation for someone to talk more?  If it is, are you able to notice if others actually receive it that way?  If it isn’t, what changes will you consider to up your communication skills?