How do you say maybe? My favorite way to say maybe: I hold off responding to an invitation when I am uncertain. At the moment I am convinced that it is better to not respond until I know one way or the other —meaning have a real answer.
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I am on a plane returning home from a trip to visit Steve. I was the first to board the plane...first time ever that happened! Comfortably in my seat. 29F. By the window. A man younger than myself likely by 20 or more years comes to the row and let’s me know that he is in the middle seat. He suggested to me that this flight had few passengers and he would likely change his seat. He added, “Doing it so you can be comfortable.”
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Maybe you are like me and when you find yourself in conflict you want to work it out right away?! I have found over the years that there are many times when this is just not the best idea. Why? Because talking it out with the person who you are in conflict with isn’t always the most efficient or even effective strategy to get needs met.
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Not another goldfish story?!
Yes and no. Well, yes.
One of my goldfish went over the last waterfall into the basin where the pump is. It will eventually be covered up so s/he would not survive. In order to save his/her life, I went in with the big net and caught it. It was flopping in the net, obviously in distress. Even though I repeated, “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay”.
In retrospect I was likely trying to calm myself, at very least in addition to the fish.
I was saving the fish’s life. Yet…
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In working with hundreds of people over the years, and of course being human myself, the issue of assumptions has come up again and again as a great source of disconnection and suffering. We have explored some key assumptions that seem to be particularly troublesome.
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Last week I walked out to the pond in the morning to feed the fish as I always do. I immediately noticed the plant that was astray and then looked down to see a fish on the cement, pretty ripped up and obviously dead.
I became a bit frantic, immediately called Steve who wasn’t there, hung up and screamed, “I want to kill the cat!”
Some important additional information required here:
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When people approach me to do coaching (or come to a workshop) because they want a more satisfying partnership relationship, one of the first concerns I hear is, “What if my partner won’t come?”
My answer has always been, “It isn’t necessary.” Creating a satisfying relationship —if you want one, is your job.” That response is usually met with disbelief, and the relationship remains the same.
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When I saw this title on a blog post I read, delivered to me from one of my favorite websites – Food 52, I immediately thought - oh yes, this is what I say to people over and over about relationships.
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Sometimes when someone is doing something we don’t like, we find it very difficult to are about why they are doing/saying it, and we find it very easy to label them as wrong. Some things are just so awful to hurtful to us, we lose our capacity to react any other way.
Has this happened to you? You really want to understand what motivated someone to do something —you sometimes even think you are trying to understand what motivated someone to do something. Your voice is pleasant, you insist that you really are curious. Yet, when it comes down to it, you really are furious, or disappointed, maybe full of despair. If you were able to slow it down enough and check in, you would be able to notice it.
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