I am Just Trying to Help You.

I am writing this on a plane returning home from a trip to visit Steve*.  I was the first to board the plane...first time ever that happened!  

Comfortably in my seat.  29F.  By the window.  A man younger than myself by 20 or more years comes to the row and let’s me know that he is in the middle seat.  He suggested to me that this flight had few passengers and he would likely change his seat.  He added, “Doing it so you can be comfortable.”

Remember, I was already comfortable.  

So, already I didn’t quite believe what he was saying.  He didn’t check in with me about my comfort or what he might do to support it.  He took the seat next to me..

As the plane filled more and more, he repeated his intention to move and reiterated that it was for my and our fellow row-mate’s comfort.  One time his words were, “I’m trying to help you out.”

He seemed very pleasant letting me know his family was in Asheville and he was the only one who lived in New Jersey.  I wonder what the challenges were for him to own and speak out loud that he preferred to sit somewhere else (likely to increase his own comfort). What was behind him insisting that he was doing it for me. 

This is a short list of what I came up with:

—Did he somehow receive the message that his own needs don’t matter?
—Did he think I would be upset when he suggested he preferred to sit somewhere not next to me?
—Did he want to be perceived as generous and caring?
—Was he concerned that I (he) would judge him as selfish?
—Was he actually concerned only with my comfort and well-being?

Ultimately just before pushback he found an open aisle seat in our same row on the other side.  I guess I am a bit more comfortable with the extra space.  I also guess he is significantly more comfortable.

Next time you think you are doing something for someone else check in first with yourself.  Is this even true? How is it that you intend to contribute to this other person?  Then include them in your plans. Let them know what you are thinking of doing. You might even ask if the plan will actually meet your intention.  This will increase the connection and trust between you, while offering you the information required to determine if your (and their) needs will be met.

Important Point:
Whatever you are doing, it is really to meet your own need for contribution.  If you are lucky, or have done your research, someone else’s need will be met as well!

* I wrote this on the plane in the notes app on my phone. Another first!