Maybe?

How do you say maybe?

~I think I can make it.
~I will let you know.
~Sure, let’s do it!  (Knowing you will call later and cancel.)
~Can I think about it for a day or two?
~I might have something else at that time.
~When do you need to know by?

My personal go-to way of saying maybe (note, this only works with digital invitations —emails and texts): 

I hold off responding to an invitation when I am uncertain.  At the moment I am convinced that it is better to not respond until I know one way or the other —meaning have a real answer.  However, knowing one way or another may take days or weeks, depending on my life in the moment.  During that time the email or text becomes so far down on the list, I don’t see it again. Basically I forget and either respond after the event, or just before.  I often remain aware that there is something lurking as incomplete, resulting in a low level feeling of un-ease running in the background.  Add a few of these up and all of a sudden life is stressful. As with many things we consider stressful, there is a simple fix, one which requires no one and nothing else except knowing what our needs are and a few communication skills.

Why do you say maybe? 

For some, maybe is an actual maybe.  You actually don’t have all the information you need to confidently say yes or no.   

It could be logistical, meaning you are not near your calendar to check a date, or possibly your answer depends on another person also wanting to do the thing.  In this case there really isn’t a maybe, there is a specific request.  “I’d like a day to check in with (so and so).  Will you be able to wait until tomorrow and I will let you know then?”  Tomorrow is when the next communication will happen and it is distinct.   No stress, no distress. 

It could also be that you want a bit of time to consider what your priorities are.  Is the event happening during a particularly busy time or you are considering when to schedule vacation time, or take a rest, or something else.  Saying maybe in this case is a way of saying you aren’t sure if your needs will be met if you accept or choose something else.   You take a look at things, and then report back with your answer.

For some of us, we are plagued with ambivalence.  We want to go and we don’t want to.  Often equally.   

If you aren’t able to tell so far, this is something I grapple with.  As a person who identifies as an introvert, invitations are fraught with torment and angst.  I really want to do the thing, yet I have a strong leaning toward wanting alone, rejuvenating time.  In my life my time so scheduled that I hesitate putting another thing on the calendar.  I tend to long for time that I can just decide in the moment what I want to do, rather than respond to the dings and beeps and other alarm noises my phone makes to let me know what’s next for me during the day.  I also have considerable aversion to unstructured mingling, so party invitations are worrisome, unless I know lots of people. Which is a challenge because I also have a strong need for inclusion.  (Is this TMI?)

I used to think if I said maybe I was handling everything.  When in reality I handled nothing.  We were nowhere new.  We had no new information on which to base decisions.  I was left worrying and I guess my friends were confused, disappointed and possibly infuriated or at least frustrated. 

Moving into shifting this experience I decided that I would follow the rule, MAYBE = NO.  Which I liked (and to some degree still do).  It frees everyone up to move on, and make different plans.  Yet it wasn’t actually true.  I wasn’t a no.  I was a maybe.

So…I decided to consider the needs I was meeting by saying maybe.  Eureka!  Of course.  There is nothing better.

The needs met for me by saying maybe (in general) are choice, freedom, spaciousness, and spontaneity.   Knowing my own needs is good starting point, because I alsoI communicate my needs and care about the needs of the people I am negotiating with.  

When I receive an invitation I now tend to communicate my needs in the moment.  Obviously I say yes if that is true, I decline if I am certain I want to do something else.  If I am not sure, I am now confidently able to share what is happening for me.  I communicate that I have a strong need for spontaneity, leaving the other person free to make plans with another.  If I want an opportunity to opt in then I ask for that directly.   Something like, “Would you be okay with me checking in with you if I want to participate and see if I can join you?” I am happy to receive whatever the answer is, realizing there might be many reasons for them to say no.  This even works (sometimes to a financial advantage) for theatre or dance performances because tickets day of show can be released and they are the better seats —for less money.  Anyway that isn’t the point.

I embraced the needs behind my maybe, understand and celebrate myself for who I am (avoiding the thoughts, “Oh I wish I was more social, or an extrovert or more like so and so”).  

The freedom I was looking for by saying maybe is actually met by discovering my needs and coming up with a strategy to meet them.  Once again, needs based thinking to my emotional rescue!!!

NOTE: I’m not so sure friends are in love with my new-found freedom, but likely would all agree it is better than not responding, or just leaving it it at maybe for all time.