Who Do You Hate?
Ever since (maybe even before) yet especially since the election results in the US, I have been fielding strong, strong emotions in my circles. Emotions of all sorts, fear, confusion, despair, and mostly anger –a variety of words that describe anger; outrage, disgust, fury, rage.
If people are strictly talking to/with me in a coaching situation I see my role as offering support and empathy and strength in return. I also find myself regularly in the midst of these kinds of comments in the context of a social setting –or in groups of some sort, or a casual conversation with a friend. The disdain for others (on both sides of the social, political spectrum) has been intense. The name calling is relentless. The labeling and assumptions about the intentions, motivations and beliefs of the ‘other ones’ is seemingly endless. There is a persistence, a tenacity with which naming unknown and known others as bad and wrong that is remarkable to me. And I have heard a good deal of ‘wrong-making’ over the years.
Just last week I was talking with a friend. He called wanting to discuss my feedback about an article he previously asked me to read. He described it as a rant, and it surely began that way --relating his anger at life circumstances. I was anticipating a point he was trying to make and the piece never got there. Which is what I shared with him in my feedback. Adding that I would have been more interested in reading his article if it invited me into his experience rather than reading about how horrible everyone else was.
Our phone conversation meandered a bit beginning with him informing me how uneducated, naïve, and ill-informed someone he knows is until we finally returned to my encouragement of how he could speak what was so important to him without making others wrong. It was elusive to him in the moment. I invited him to share all the things he was feeling, and the thoughts he was having without all rhetoric about the other. I wanted to want to hear his story. The ‘why’ behind his words.
I’m not claiming a political side as I actually don’t think of our situation as having two sides (probably controversial in and of itself, yet a discussion for another time). In social situations, no matter who is speaking to me, or inside a group, when the name calling and judgments are being thrown around with relative ferocity, I find myself energetically moving away. I prefer not to listen.
I am not interested in who you hate.
Back to my conversation --and listening to more and more wrong-making and strong language about why the other person (and other people) are so blameworthy for his anger. I suggested that it was a bit ironic that he was “spewing hate because he thinks the others are spewing hate”. He was able to see that there was some truth to that and it was a turning point for me (and I believe for him). We began to talk about his fear, and his confusion and what to do in his particular situation. Especially when Nonviolent Communication (NVC) encourages us to not see others as wrong, yet he was committed to how right he was about how wrong they were. Funny enough, when we dropped in to his feelings, it turned out that we shared some similar feelings and thoughts about current events, both of us longing to meet identical needs. I’m curious to read his edited article, if he chooses to write more. I’ve been invited in.
I shared with him that I see this as the struggle of our times, --this certainty that others are wrong and deserving of our indignation. and important to work toward healing. Dropping out of finding fault and moralistic judgement is not an invitation to agree with anyone. It is an invitation to be curious and make space for another, while listening for the needs at the root of the discussion. Not easy work right now. When I am immersed in the sea of hate, I tend to find it challenging for remain hopeful as I long for dialogue and curiosity. I do not have to like you to want to understand what’s beneath your harsh words. I don’t have to hate you either. I do believe that dialogue is our only hope of finding peace these days, if peace is meant to be.
I repeated my encouragement to write about what he finally shared with me –his fears, his own touch with hopelessness and confusion about how to move forward. How he felt now, post-election. I wanted to know the details –the how and what stimulated these strong feelings he was having. I wanted to know the nuances of his experience. I am hoping he will write his story as a sharing of his torment. He is considering it, and I am glad. I adore this friend and I want to know how his life is unfolding.