Who Deserves What? And Who Decides?

Over the summer I taught a class as an offering in a nearby festival.  Typically, this means that the variety of folks who participate is unknown to me –in every way.  I haven’t met (m)any of the folks in the circle before.  The participants are different in their previous knowledge of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) that is the core of what I offer.  And time is limited. 

I enjoyed this circle of people in how we were energetically present with each other.  I experienced curiosity, wisdom, participation, respect and so much more.  When presented with a situation like this, I find myself considering how best to contribute, to make a difference.  In the amount of time I have–1.5 hours, my thoughts move to what I might offer that will immediately have an impact on the lives of the participants.  The limitation of time is what I tend to regret the most when teaching.  I want more.  The shift in perspective asked for in NVC is so profound, that while some people jump right in –excited for the new frame of reference, others do not.  Navigating the time spent in a class or workshop to remain present when someone is struggling to understand the deep shift is part of what I am tracking.  Do I continue to answer questions, or move on with more content.

In this class, a participant arrived with about 20 minutes left to meet (meaning they missed a good bit of our dialogue until this point).  I was in a conversation with a few in the circle and this person raised their hand.  I acknowledged that I saw and stacked them in order, and then took another person before this person.  I then asked for their share.  This person shared something they thought relevant to the conversation.  It was about their therapy and how they are learning to speak up and be heard.  This was a big celebration for them and I am guessing quite meaningful as we were in a workshop about communication.  They included something in their share about learning that they deserved to be seen and heard.  Someone else brought up that I acknowledged them and then inserted another before them, which became clear was an ‘issue’ for them as well yet, they didn’t want to bring it up.

I expressed my regret for the impact of my choice and invited them to share more with me with me about it.  They replied that they didn’t want to speak further, because they were ‘used to being ignored’.  Including that it was a big thing is their therapy, that they deserve to be heard.  There was that word again.  This was something I noticed and wanted to work through with them.  The topic is important to me, and likely important to this participant.  I felt disappointed as it seemed to me an opportunity for this person to actually have an experience of being heard without having to demand it (I deserve it!).

Here's the thing. I didn’t quite believe them, given that they didn’t just accept an open invitation for a conversation.  In this moment of their self-exploration, they were still stuck in the story that no one wanted to hear them.  They were taking their power back, yet not actually experiencing the need they longed for to be met by the strategy they chose –which was saying no to a conversation and leaving.

Deserve.

I cringe when I hear someone say this.  Okay, maybe not fully cringe, yet definitely grimace.  So many questions present themselves.  Here are two:  1.  Who doesn’t deserve to be heard?  2.  Who decides who deserves what? 

I am a huge fan of everyone having the experience of being seen and heard.  It is implicit and explicit in the communication structures and context of Nonviolent Communication.  It is an offering and a gift that we want to hear each other.  It is the invitation that is NVC!!  Yet the “I deserve’ language is more about power over rather than power with.  There is some sort of fight in that language. I hear that you anticipate I don’t want to hear what you are saying.  Which generates less connection and understanding, rather than more.  This language speaks to me of willpower and hope, rather than true belief and confidence that you will be heard.  You are more connected to and tracking on your thoughts, than what’s happening between us. 

In this case I actually asked, and the person is so steeped in the demand, (their thought that they couldn’t or wouldn’t be heard) that they weren’t able to find connection with me to even hear my invitation.

It is steeped in blame/shame.  A lens through which conflict will not be resolved and needs tend not to be met.

Here’s a thing about needs.  TO BE HEARD as a need –just exists.  Me listening to you, or you being heard by someone is a strategy.  It also gets met when you hear me.  This person wasn’t able to have much of the experience met, as they weren’t hearing me for my intention –already disconnected from me.  What I am hoping to point out is the when we live into the demand energies –in this case, I demand that you listen to me, we lose connection.  We had a lovely opportunity to speak about what their life was like, what it feels like to be able to speak up now, how sad or disappointed they were when I chose to speak to another person before them.  And it dissolved away.  It was missed.

When you say that you (or someone else) deserve something, what do you actually mean?  Who doesn’t deserve something?  And my biggest question is who gets to decide?  When you say it, are you actually willing to sink into the tenderness and the courage to ask for what you want.  Something like, “I’d love for you to listen to me right now.  Will you take a minute and offer me your attention?”  Oof.  Authentic, vulnerable, scary?   Please try it and see what happens.  When I hear a request like this, my heart opens (rather than the cringing I mentioned before) and my attention and care are locked in.  You now have my full attention.