Toxic Relationships ~ What Does this Mean?
I am on social media. Mostly I look at garden, food and design images. I do also follow some relationship advice folks -mostly because they have big followings and I’m told if I comment, my list will grow. It hasn’t actually happened. What does happen is that memes from ‘experts’ come through my feed. Some I am inspired by. Some I find myself shaking my head (smh). I certainly have a cynical side --and I am pretty skilled at monitoring my thoughts and feelings by searching for what’s important to me when I find myself in distress.
Toxic Relationships. Toxic Conversations. Toxic People. The consistency with which the word toxic is used these days occurs to me as another label that we put on others as a way to relieve ourselves from the responsibility we have in creating the kind of relationships we want to have. I have yet to hear someone share with me, “Wow I really threw out some toxic comments last night. We are never toxic. This title (or label) is reserved for people and things other than us.
Do you use this word to describe a person or situation? Truth be told, I’m not exactly clear what specifically someone means when they say it. Is it something that the culture has collectively agreed to? Does everyone mean exactly the same thing? Or is it a code word for I don’t like what’s happening and it’s the other person’s fault? Is someone always toxic? If you are referring to a situation, I think it’s easier for me to understand. The situation I am in is unpleasant, uncomfortable, distressing, --all words with some flavor of toxic woven into them?
As with all labels, we can use them to help ourselves and others to understand a situation better. An example might be, “I felt like I was immersed in a toxic (unpleasant, horrible, confusing) situation with this person…. I wanted to make a shift in what was happening because I wasn’t able to see myself or them clearly.”
When I might ask for more clarity when chatting it up –mostly because I think ultimately it will help be more clear, is if someone says, “They are so toxic.” I would ask, (as usual), what did they say/do that has you feeling…?” Once again encouraging you to track on observations, feelings, needs and requests. In the example just above, it is also demonstrates the use of Static Language, which doesn’t help us remain connected to ourselves, and our own feelings and needs, let alone attempting to connect to the other person’s.
I’m not suggesting here that it is never useful to use these words. When I hear them now, I use them as a barometer. In general the word indicates to me a serious situation that the friend or client I’m talking with is at their wits end, or potentially at a loss for how to navigate the situation into anything that feels even close to ‘good’. At best it indicates that whatever is happening is quite challenging and no solution that is mutually satisfying is emerging –or even possible.
Sometimes this is accurate. And sometimes not.
If you find yourself using this word to describe a person or situation, check in. Have you identified the observation, how you feel and what needs are present for you? Or have you just relieved yourself of that because it is easier or simpler to just assign blame and check out of the relationship.
Another reminder.
Just because you can track or consider another’s needs, please don’t confuse this with believing that there is a requirement to do anything to address these needs. Sometimes it really is impossible. Remembering that ultimately, we are all responsible to meet our own needs. Even when you care about the other person’s needs, they might not willing or able to see how they could be met, given their life history, limits, capacity, etc. And sometimes, depending on who we are relating to, we will choose not to attempt to meet them in any kind of way. Still, if we are immersed in the idea that they have precious needs, equal to us, it might, at very least, give us a bit of energetic and emotional relief to hold a container of compassion as we completely opt out of relating to them in any kind of way.
Resolving conflict is a choice. It is not a requirement.
If you find your freedom in this way, then possibly it is easier to hold the other person as dear, even though you choose to end any kind of relating to them in order to meet your own needs.
The work of nonviolent communication is not about being nice or fixing a situation. It is about being honest, tracking on needs, accepting what is so, and choosing the best strategies to meet our needs in a container of care.