Is it Me? Or is it You?

Life has been a series of ebbs and flows for me the past few years.  Physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I should probably have my astrological chart read again.  I would describe 2023 as a deep underworld experience offering me all kinds of ways to consider what’s important and incorporate those things into my life –in one way or another.  Thinking that 2024 was/is drawing me up, last night I had one of the most profound opportunities to once again, reflect on what my life is about from a soul’s journey perspective. 

I’m here in North Carolina staying at my partner’s place.  Nothing particularly out of the ordinary happened.  Our day was pretty easy in terms of enjoying each other and tasks on hand.  Yet, there was one thing that got said, something that has been said to me many times before, and is innocuous, not exceptional yet stimulated a great deal of pain and confusion this time.

After waiting a bit, possibly stewing (really, never good to initiate a conversation if you are stewing –take it from me), I decided to gently raise what was brewing to my partner.  I thought I was using the NVC format, yet he didn’t hear it that way.  My share was received as criticism and our conversation, while relatively calm, was surely filled with tension.

The need that kept coming forth was relevance.  Lucky woman that I am, I was assured over and over in a wide variety of ways how relevant I am to my partner.  Long story shortened quite a bit, I realized that what I had been experiencing had almost nothing to do with him, only the filters through which I have been seeing my own life for quite some time.  WOW!

It was so clear to me that what I saw and experienced that day was only different because of the filters –the meaning I was making of all of it.  I’m not sure if that kind of clear distinction had ever been so obvious.

Good news in the way that having such clear awareness, I am now checking in with all conversations and situations I find myself in about how much I am placing on the shoulders of the others that really might be a surprise for them if I share my distress as something they did.  I’m not quite willing to say that people aren’t going to do things I prefer they don’t. I am saying that I will be slowing life and conversations way down, before responding to things.

Generally speaking, with the ongoing practice of Nonviolent Communication skills, I am easily able to translate the things said or done I haven’t (or have) liked into needs.  Right now, I require a bit more time.  It seems like I am translating a new language and need time to google what was said.

It’s kind of boggy and muddy and certainly isn’t my preference.  At the same time, this extra time seems essential to maintaining and creating relationships that feel good. 

Is this you or is this me?

This is one of those skills that is learned and becomes more natural when practiced over and over.  There are a few ways that you can practice in real life.  It happens when you remember to track on needs –your own and the other’s.  When I teach about slowing conversations down, I will often refer to Connection Requests.  These are the kinds of requests that bring the pace of the conversation to one that everyone can manage.  There are three kinds.  1. Asking for empathy (will you tell me what you heard me say?)  2.  Asking for honesty (will you tell me how you feel?) and 3.  Request for a check-in (generally holding the pace…Do you want to continue talking? Is this a good time?  Are you experiencing this as I am?)

The struggle can be real, navigating the filters that we have, especially when we are in a conversation with someone else, who has their own filters.  Remembering we are trying to bring our filters into the light –without the concern of blame and shame or finding fault helps quite a bit.  Remembering to remember that why we are talking in the first place is to create an experience –hold a container of connection, mutual understanding, sacred companionship, and the like.  The sooner we can acknowledge our filters that blocks the light of the other, the better.

When you are certain that someone has said or done something that you find challenging, take your time connecting to the needs you are longing for –or said another way, needs that you are reminded of that are important to you.  Ask yourself and possibly the other person (rather than suggest) what is actually happening.  Possibly this moment is one that will crack open long-standing tapes or voices in your head allowing you more access to the reality of the situation. 

Repeat this over and over. 

This is literally how you change your brain making new pathways and finding connections to the stories that serve you and your life.