Keeping Agreements. Maybe We Do. Maybe We Don't.

Responsibility and dependability are core needs of mine.  I like to do what I say I will and I like it when others do the same.  At the same time, “because I said I would “is not a reason to keep an agreement.   Do you find yourself wanting to shift or make a new agreement with someone, yet a sometimes subtle and sometimes booming voice takes over saying, “I said I would so I should.”?  Possibly it sounds more like, “I really don’t want to do that anymore.  I wish I never agreed to it!”  I’m guessing those of you who consider yourself a ‘people pleaser’ might have these thoughts from time to time. 

Anyone who has worked with me has heard (over and over) I am huge fan of making agreements.  Especially short-term agreements with scheduled check ins. 

I’ve also been known to say with quite a bit of frequency, that because you made an agreement is not a reason to do something.  How can both of these be true?  Seems counter-intuitive, or even hypocritical. 

Let me explain further.

I’m a big fan of making agreements and keeping them.  Why?  Because I feel happy when I am relationship with someone who shares my needs for dependability and responsibility.  I have a sense that this person cares about me and my life, commitments, time, value and the like.  Consideration, mattering and being super seen are all mixed in.  For me these needs run deep.  I consider them some of my core needs.  Keeping agreements made is one way those needs are being met.  They are not the only way.

Let me explain further.

Distinguishing need and strategies to get them met is essential.  Everyone’s needs being considered inside relationships is also essential for super satisfying and puts the fun into functional relationships.  If you make an agreement with me and find that it no longer feels good to you, then I much prefer that we make a new agreement.  If you aren’t able to feel happy or it no longer meets some needs of yours, then our agreement will quickly (or slowly) shift into obligation which with either quickly or slowly build resentment. 

I’m not suggesting that I’d be happy in a long-term relationship in which the other person consistently makes agreements and changes them. I will, however listen for the needs of that person that are in the way of keeping agreements.  I will care about that, and I will take full responsibility for how much I depend on someone who tells me they are a free electron so to speak.  If someone wants freedom and prefers not to be mindful of others’ schedule (for whatever reasons), I will happily support that experience for them.  Yet I will opt out expecting them to want to keep agreements.  My hope is that they wouldn’t make the agreements in the first place –advocating for their needs. I will look for ways for our friendship to flourish given that consistent dependability isn’t possible for us. 

I am interested in having a conversation with someone who I know truly cares about my needs for dependability and responsibility to explore where I can find that between us.  Can I depend on someone to tell me their truth no matter how difficult that is.  I have someone that helps me clean my place.  For the very most part they come when we have generally agreed to.  At times though, there are many (a few?) weeks in a row that navigating all the requests for their time and/or health concerns gets in the way of coming when we have agreed.  Always, and I do mean always, this person contacts me and we navigate what is the best way for them to care for their own wellbeing and my getting the support I am looking for.  In this way I can depend on them for clear communication.  My schedule is open enough to accommodate the flexibility this person requires.

This arrangement might not be what you want.  Your job then is to say so.  Depending on your life, needs for someone actually showing up exactly when they said they will, week in and week out, might be essential for a happy and flowing life. 

Likely in my personal partnerships, I would prefer someone who is more able to show up when they said they would (in the ways we have agreed) way more often than not.  It is up to me to accept what is so for the other, and consider the agreements I make based on what is actually true.  Whether they have explicitly said so, and especially if they do not.

One of the ways we find ourselves struggling is that the other person isn’t able to let us know what their needs are, yet they don’t explicitly ask or share with me what they are.  Over time, it becomes obvious that they prefer flexibility to dependability, so they shift their agreements more often than I enjoy.  It is up to me to notice and shift my expectations and based on that, my own limits to how close I want to be with this person –without making them wrong for who they are.  Letting them off the hook for showing up like I want –meaning I am responsible for setting my limits and managing them. 

Ultimately keeping the agreements I make for/with myself.