I Couldn't Have Said it More Clearly

Has this happened to you?  You clearly shared your point of view or asked for something and you find out later that what you said was completely misunderstood? Sometimes when this happens, we just don’t believe that the other person mis-heard or misunderstood.  Sometimes when we have been ‘crystal clear’ we find it difficult to believe they care.  Instead, we are certain they do not.  What happens next is messy and complicated. 

Your response is:  I couldn’t have said it more clearly. 

The result is that you consider yourself done.  That the other person is at fault for the mis-communication, the disagreement and the cause of your distress.  They are responsible to fix the problem.  Nothing further is required of you. After all, you were crystal clear.  You are likely more connected to your feelings of frustration, and less aware of the sadness and hurt you feel believing that your friend/partner doesn’t care.  If you stay in this place, you lose the opportunity to discover if they actually do care, and what other possibilities exist given they didn’t abide what you clearly asked for.

Even when you have said the actual words, as an example:  "I’m tired tonight, I’d like to just go to sleep and talk later.”  These are seemingly clear statements; I can agree with you.  Yet when considering you want to communicate and be heard and the person actually doesn’t, then the job at hand is to explore where the mis-hearing happened.

Remember these things:

NUMBER ONE:  If you find yourself looking to blame someone for the miscommunication, then the conflict will not be resolved.  An essential component of all successful and easy, calm shifts into finding connection and understanding with others is to drop out of finding fault and into curiosity.  Looking for who is to blame is not helpful, even if all parties agree that one person is wrong.  It doesn’t help you find new ways to communicate.  It just adds to the shame and blame story that isn’t pleasant for anyone.

In the example above, your need is to communicate.  In this case, also to get rest.  If the other person doesn’t receive that message, you have something to do with it.  If it isn’t the words you used, they were clear, look to other possibilities --how else could you have contributed to not having your needs met.  Maybe it is the tone of voice you used (or they heard).  Maybe you said it when the other person is dealing with the kids, and you only have 40% of their attention.  Maybe there are other reasons.  Perhaps they really wanted to talk with you about something important, and you haven’t taken that into consideration.  What else? Have you forgotten to consider their needs as well?

If there is no blame/shame story, then exploring this with curiosity and intention to get beyond your pain and disagreement, is easy.

If this kind of miscommunication happens with consistency, I suggest using connection requests to address the mis-understandings.  Simply asking them “Will you tell me what you heard me say?’ Once they reply with what you wanted them to hear, ask if they will agree to what you are asking for.  The extra step of asking for agreement gives you confidence that you have been heard and they are clearly on board with your initial request.  This will also give the other person some space to share what is important to them as well.

As much as you think it would be easier if they just heard your words exactly as you said them (or thought you said them), remembering the intention is to get your needs met, then the extra few minutes of inner exploration and consideration of how you could have contributed to the confusion is helpful.  It relieves the other person from defending themselves of the wrongdoing they might have and that you are adding to.

One of the challenges that Nonviolent Communication asks of us is that we care about the others’ needs being met equal to our own.  It requires a good deal of keeping our hearts open, even when we are in pain.  Even when we think we are right.