Just Do It

When you want more intimacy and connection in your relationship what do you do?

Do you ask your partner for more intimacy?  

How do you ask?  “Hey Joe, I’m looking for more intimacy in our relationship.  Will you share more deeply what’s going on for you?”

This seems like a classic Nonviolent Communication (NVC) request.   Yet what comes back isn’t what you really wanted.  Perhaps Joe says, “What do you mean?” or “I don’t feel anything, I was just telling you about…”  Or perhaps the response is something like, “I tell you everything!  We talk more in this relationship than I ever have with anyone else.”

Here’s another example:  “Hey Bob, I really would like you to help me when I pay the bills.  I want our money management to be a collaborative effort.  Will you sit down with me once a month and talk about it.?” 

Again, a classic NVC request.  Bob agrees to your request, even seems enthusiastic.  Yet Bob doesn’t ever mention the bills again.  Months go by, you are taking care of the bills as usual.  You feel upset because he agreed and hasn’t stepped up.  Why should you have to bring it up again?

Perhaps this example reminds you of something you do in your relationship(s)?  “You know Lisa, it used to be different with us.  You used to take my hand when we were in public and you always wanted to sit with me when we were in a group or with our friends.  I’ve asked you over and over and you say nothing is different.  You assure me that you still care about me and you like holding my hand.  I am asking you again, what’s different?  I want what we used to have.”

I could spend the day coming up with all kinds of examples similar to this.  Making a request of someone (in NVC what we call an Action Request of the other person.  These strategies often work beautifully to your needs.  And sometimes they don’t.  Somehow the needs you are longing for are still not being met. 

Many couples just get stuck here.  Over and over, repeating the same or similar request.  Getting some version of agreement, offering hope that this time it will be different.

This pattern is fraught with long-term confusion and frustration, likely building resentments (for both people) and finally resignation.

There are many ways that you can interrupt this pattern.  I’m going to keep it simple and just offer one strategy.

Just do it —yourself.  

Sometimes the people we are partnered with —as unbelievable as it might be to you, actually don’t understand what you mean when you ask for things.  The words are clear, and you think you’re in agreement.  What I know about language and words is that the same word often means something different to each person who hears it.  The word intimacy will mean one thing to me and another to you.  The word communication conjures up an experience to me that is specific to me, and something different that is specific to you.  

These simple examples might help you to understand this.  The word ‘tree’, brings to my mind an image of the oak tree in my childhood home, yet you might be imagining a weeping willow you saw in a park on vacation 10 years ago.  We think we agree on what a tree is, and we do understand at one level, yet not at others. 

Use the example of ‘mother’.  We will have different images come to mind when we discuss this, and these images generate wildly different feelings.  Some might feel warm and fuzzy, nurturing feelings while others are feeling disappointed and sad when they think about mother, motherhood, mom, etc. for a wide variety of reasons.  [Take a look at the Internal Map of Reality for more details on this topic.]

Understanding these filters, and how they work, mostly in the unconscious mind, offers hope.  Hope because if you bring more mindfulness to your relationship, you can begin to pay attention to what’s happening in a way that you might not have prior.  You may have hope that if your needs aren’t being met, given the differences in your filters, that you have a variety of other strategies you can choose from.  

Change it up.  

Rather than immediately relate to what’s happening from the conclusion that your person doesn’t care, or is aloof, or is a loser, you might dive in with a more alluring way to meet your needs given what you now know might be happening —the language(s) you are speaking aren’t being translated with the precision you expect.  

Here are some ideas:
If you want intimacy, rather than ask your partner for intimacy or to tell you their emotions, ask questions that give you the intimacy you want. 
1.  “Hey Partner, I wonder what you are thinking about our time together last night?  Did you love the movie we went to?  How about the couple we went with, do you want to spend time with them again?  I have a few concerns about them and want to tell you about them.  Or, 
2.  “Hey Partner, what were you three most favorite things about going out to dinner with me last night?
3.  “Hey Partner, I’m feeling so scared about all that we have to do in the next few weeks.  These are the 4 things I am thinking about most.  How are you thinking about it?  What are the 4 things you are prioritizing about making our plans happen?

How about the example asking for help with paying/organizing the finances.  
1.  “Hey Partner, I have the files out now.  Let’s go over the bills for the month.  There are a few things I particularly want to have your thoughts on.  I remember you telling me you were up for sharing this household task with me.   Let’s do it now.”   

In this case, be mindful what your partner is doing when you ask.  If they are watching something on TV that is a one-time thing, then you might suggest taping it.  Or you can wait/notice when they really aren’t watching something time sensitive.  Notice, if they have other chores they might be prioritizing because they must be done when it is light out, then make your suggestion when it is nighttime.   

And…it might just be that your partner doesn’t have the confidence, or the interest in collaborating with you on this task.  Are you insisting that they do it anyway?  Can you actually hear their ‘no’?  Perhaps they aren’t confident that it is okay for them to want something different from you, so they just agree, rather than bear the uncomfortable consequences of them being honest with you.  This is a wonderful opportunity to notice if you are making a demand, what are the needs you are hoping to meet, consider what needs your partner has, and then make strategies that will meet both you and your partner’s needs.

For the third example above, try this.  Rather than ask your partner why they don’t take you hand, in this case, next time you are out, take their hand.  At very least, you can identify if they just forget, or they actually prefer not to.  

Can you notice what I am suggesting in all three examples is, instead of asking your person to agree to an idea, just ask for exactly what you want in the moment and see what happens.

Here are a few more ideas:
If you want acknowledgement (some version of thank you) for something you did for someone, ask them directly, “Did you like that dinner I made for you last night?”  Rather than hinting, or starting the conversation that you are upset that they didn’t acknowledge it in the first place.  Remember your need is for acknowledgment, and this strategy will like get it met faster.  

Steve and I take it further, and we “go fishing”.  Often.  We declare out loud to the other,  “I am going fishing —Where did you get that ________________?  Oh, I gave it to you?  Do you like it?”  

It becomes a game and light hearted.  It's a way to weave in gratitude, celebrations, while meeting our ongoing needs for acknowledgment that we contribute to each other’s lives.  It also meets needs for fun, laughter, play and connection.  He is happy to tell me how happy he is that I did this thing, or gave him that thing.  

I am so glad we moved into this as our practice.  In the past, I had a different approach.  If I was upset that he didn’t thank me for something I’ve done or given to him, and I would come to him presenting my feelings of disappointment and asking him why he didn’t mention it.  He (and I) generally felt sad and afraid.  He might have experienced my request as a complaint (maybe it actually was?) and he might lose energy rather than feel excited by our conversation.  While he might be able to muster up some gratitude for the thing, he must navigate the additional feelings of shame or discouragement, and/or it will likely be harder for me to enjoy his acknowledgement of my contribution.  I might not believe him believing the thought, ‘If I have to ask, it really isn’t true, he is just saying it because I asked’.  I have complicated the issue by choosing this path.  This strategy, while classic NVC, will likely meet less needs.

We all seem busy these days.  Things get by us, don’t they?  Perhaps if you can remember that in addition to the needs of your own you are trying to meet in any given interaction, that in the culture of NVC, you are also considering the needs of the other people you are engaging with.  If you think that you partner might just have forgotten (again!), or really doesn’t understand what you mean (see above), then what could you say or do that will still meet your needs, while communicating this in a way that empathizes with their needs as well.  

If you just do the thing that you are asking someone else for, you might find this is a speedy strategy to meet all needs.  

When you are looking for needs being met by asking someone else to ‘do something’, also check in.  Are you able to just do it?