It's Not What They Said, It's How They Said It
Tone of voice matters. It is woven into the experience we have of each other. Our tone can be a way that we share our feelings without revealing (or even knowing) what those feelings are. It can be hidden disappointment, or hurt, or anger coming out (intentionally or unintentionally), as a sucker punch to the person we are talking to.
It can be met with distress followed by long conversations trying to get to ‘what’s really going on’, because when you are triggered by the tone you aren’t able to find yourself in a curious and compassionate space. And when someone is using tone of voice to express some sort of distress, they aren’t connected enough to explicitly share the tender feelings and needs that are so important to them.
It’s also important to navigate the meaning we make of someone else’s tone of voice. Are you sensitive, maybe very sensitive to the tone of someone else? Just like someone might be sharing meaning that is hidden to then in their tone of voice, we can ‘hear’ a tone in someone’s voice that might not be there. Which requires a curiosity of what beliefs are hidden in our listening. What do we make it mean? Have you checked in to see if what you think it means is actually what they intended. Remember --your tone of voice when you ask is important.
This is when slowing down is essential. Tone of voice can be a useful tool for deeper connection and understanding of the people we are in relationship with. As the listener, and noticer of the tone, you can guess what needs are behind what your friend is sharing. If you are able to notice, a great first step is self-empathy, which means connecting to your own needs. finding calm. What to do next can be tricky.
If you truly want to create connection with someone whose tone of voice is indicating distress on their part, how you bring it up with them matters. It will require being super resourced and skilled in your empathy game. Often when a person’s tone of voice isn’t obvious to them, they need a great deal of ‘being heard’ –which might mean acceptance, agreement, understanding, care and consideration woven in. It takes time. Remember to drop out of hearing blame –especially if they are doing a fantastic job of blaming you for what they think and feel.
If your friends and loved ones mention your tone of voice with relative consistency, it will be helpful for explore your own willingness to reveal what’s alive inside of you. Is your tone revealing elusive thoughts, feelings and needs? You can use this self-empathy worksheet to help you become more aware of what might be going on.
I think it is worth mentioning here –there are times in session when it seems to me that the person who is reacting to a tone of voice uses it as an excuse to relieve themselves of their own responsibility for how they respond. Without quite saying it, there seems to be some blame of the other person for using a tone they don’t like and therefore unless and until the other person changes their tone of voice, they are not going find or even look for a compassionate response. Is this you?
Navigating the tone of voice used in our conversations, especially when there is distress is one that might take a while. You might be hooked or triggered instantly which means it won’t be a good time to bring it up. I encourage folks to go slow, take breaks, take your time, wait until you are relaxed and connected, and then bring it up –with actual curiosity and care. Notice if you are struggling to relieve yourself of wanting to ‘fix it’ right away. Sit is the discomfort for some time. Give yourself permission to take all the time necessary explore the tender feelings that are alive in each of you.
Even if it takes more time to understand each other more clearly, it will shorten the actual time you spend arguing. Meaning it will be more enjoyable finding your way out of reacting to tone of voice and finding new ways to connect despite of tone of voice. Yours or theirs.