Fast Track Your Way to Inner Peace and Loving Relationships

We want all want inner peace and loving relationships.

This is what I think we long for when we wish for good communication with our friends, partners, parents, kids, co-workers and all the people we navigate life with.

Yet sometimes (most times?) we outsource this.  We give it away.  We give it to all those people we complain about.  The ones who we just wish could communicate well.  Possibly you have had the thought,  “If they just…then I could be happy.  Or, “If I could just find that right person who knows how to communicate, then my life would be so much easier”.  Of course, this is true.  Yet not likely.  Resulting in a somewhat powerless place to be sourcing your happiness.

I understand that people say lots and lots of stuff that we don’t like.  I understand that people do lots and lots of stuff that we don’t like.  I certainly advocate for asking for what we want from others.  Absolutely try to create the relationship you want with the person who you are with.  I’m all about asking, asking again, and then getting super creative about what you ask for and how you ask for it and trying again.  If they make the changes we want, we actually do feel so much better.  More relaxed, grateful (maybe) and generally happy.

Sometimes this happens pretty easily.  More often it doesn’t.  

What I see people so often fail to realize is that they are using the same ineffective strategy over and over and just getting more aggravated, more frustrated, more resentful and resigned.  It is like wanting to get to the store to buy some ice cream, deciding driving there is the best way, filling the gas tank with water and being mad at the car for not going.  And then doing the same thing over and over.

How can we fast track the process?

Take responsibility for all the ways our needs could get met.  In my story above can you think of 5 other ways to get ice cream?  I can think of 10 right now.

1.  walk to the store
2.  bicycle to the store
3.  get a ride with a friend
4.  uber it (or lyft)
5.  InstaCart (delivery) — this one should count as 3 because I think there are lots of delivery services.
6.  put gasoline in the car instead of water
7.  use public transportation
8.  ask someone to go to the store for you

Okay, I could only think of 8.  I did think of these 8 in about 3 minutes, for what it’s worth.  What it’s worth is: becoming more responsible and creative in the ways you think of to have your needs met, the sooner they might get met.  When they are met, what do you have?  Ice Cream.  Oh, and in your relationships:  inner peace and loving relationships!

This is the fast track.  Becoming resourceful and creative.

Let’s apply this to the many factors that go into good communication.  What do you mean, specifically?  Possibly you mean something different when you say it depending upon who and what you are talking about.  Which is a clue!  The clue tells you that you might not be clear enough in your own communication because you have the yearning with more than one person and in more than one situation.

The more you know what you are looking for specifically, the more you can communicate clearly and directly and ask for what you want.  Here’s are a few examples I can think of regarding communication:

1.  I wish they would tell me more what’s on their mind
2.  I wish they would talk less.
3.  I wish they would talk more, but tell me their feelings.
4.  I wish they would tell/ask me when they want to change plans, before changing them.
5.  I long for them to understand me better.  I wish they would ask more questions about my life.
6.  I wish I understood why they do the things they do. 
7.  I wish they would call me and talk to me instead of just texting.
8.  I wish they would check in with me during the day.

As you can see, what you mean by ‘good communication’ can be wildly different in different circumstance, even with the same person.  Which is fine, the need is communication.  Yet if you say to a person, I wish we had better communication, it isn’t enough information for any shift or change to occur. 

If you say “I want better communication” to the person who you wish would talk less, there a fairly good chance that that person is going to talk more, given that they already use more words than you like.  Chances are high that if you ask the person who you want specifically want to hear feelings from, for better communication, that person may talk more yet not even think about saying more feelings.  It might not be in their wheelhouse.  Or they think they already are sharing feelings.  

In these cases, how can you become more creative in meeting your needs?  By keeping the focus on yourself. 

Ask yourself these two questions:

1.  What ways have you contributed to communication being unsatisfying?  Have you made yourself clear?  Have you specifically asked for what you want?  Have you made it challenging for the person to actually do what you are asking for?  Have you modeled it for them?  Meaning if you want to hear feelings more, is that what you do?  If they struggle sharing feelings, have you helped them?  Have you shown them a list of feelings?  Have you told them why it is important to you? Do you even know why it is important to you? Have you been compassionate when they tried and couldn’t figure it out, or did you stomp off letting them know that once again you are frustrated by what they are saying? If you want more honesty, have you celebrated when someone told you something true for them that you absolutely disagreed with or felt upset hearing?  Did you thank them for sharing what was true?  Are you consistently listening for what you aren’t getting rather than trying to hear what you want in what they are actually saying?  (empathy).

All that is question #1.

2.  What are the ways that you can contribute to the conversation that will lead to more connection and interest in having the kind of communication you are desiring?  Some of this will be related to the answers above.  How creative can you get?  

This is the real work of communication.  Are you more often stuck in blaming the other person, rather than contributing to something different?  I am fairly certain, given how many people I talk to, that there are many ways that if you REALLYfocus on your side of communication that you can actualize at very least some of the connection and understanding you are hoping for.  Possibly not all, granted.  However, if you REALLY take care of your side of communication, then you will make the changes necessary to have inner peace and loving relationships.  If truly you have, you will choose to relate to different people, rather than rely on someone making changes they aren’t capable of or just don’t want to.  This is the slow track, or more likely the track that leads nowhere (slow or fast).  Or you will let this person off the hook for being or doing something different than what you think?  Will you find ways to celebrate the other needs that are being met in the relationship? 

When you long for someone who can communicate, is it really because you actually aren’t very good at it either and you just want someone to do the hard work for you?  Without the blame and shame, it is much easier to invite the other person to practice with you.  Cooperate with each other.  Make agreements that you think will help.  Share the parts of you that you make you uncomfortable.  That is communication.  And it’s the fast track to inner peace and loving relationships. 

No matter how slow it might seem.