How Much Does it Cost?

Whenever we buy something we consider the cost.  Maybe you don’t have to actually ask because you can see a price tag, or you already know the cost if it is something you buy often.  Yet it remains something you track on when making a purchase.  

When I say purchase, I mean when you are bringing something new into your life.  You are doing it because there is a benefit, and of course, there is a cost.  Whether it is a candy bar or a new home, you are bringing something new in and the considerations are quite similar.

While you might think you only consider the financial cost, dig a little deeper and you might notice that you are considering many other things as well.  These things are needs.  It is how you determine the yes or no, this thing has this value to you.  You will happily trade this amount of money for these benefits.  

Here’s an example:  I will gladly pay $4.00 for a ½ gallon of organic non-gmo unpasteurized milk from a local farmer rather than $2.13 for a ½ gallon of milk that is produced ‘I don’t know how or where’.  The financial cost is more, yet the wellness benefits are worth that cost.   

Here’s another example from my life which I wonder if you also experience from time to time?  I will spend what I consider a lot of money for a trip, or a piece of art or fabric for furniture —anything really.  Yet, an hour later, or a day later, I find myself absolutely certain that I will not spend $3.75 for dish soap, when I can get it for $3.25.  Why?  There are many things I am considering when making all decisions, including what I purchase.  It isn’t just the dollar amount.  I am evaluating the benefit vs. the cost —no matter how big or small.  In this case value, fairness, security, wisdom are all wrapped up in that 50¢ savings.

This is all an introduction to a discussion of the things we aren’t buying (typically).  Relationships.  The people with whom we spend time, whether they are new or have been around for a good while, both meet needs (hopefully) yet also cost us something.  All relationships cost time, energy and attention in general, and there are the specific costs —needs that are not being met, perhaps even diminished which are unique to each relationship.  

I notice with some regularity, that there seems to be a challenge for many to be discerning about the idea of considering needs met and unmet in relationships.  We tend to hold relationships as different.  We get confused, possibly caught up in the thoughts and hopes we have (or had) when we met the people about what was possible and get stuck there.  Or if they are family of origin people, we don’t give ourselves enough room to consider it quite so objectively because we are again so caught up in the story of the relationship. Possibly it is because of the impact we get concerned with if we actually take a look.  

Is it that we think the choice doesn’t matter to anyone else if we do or don’t buy soap, or a sofa.  If you are in a store and don’t purchase the dish soap, it is easy to just say no.  In fact, there is no requirement to say anything.  You decide and either purchase or walk away.  We don’t consider the impact because it is invisible.  Of course there is impact:  reduced sales for the store, and the manufacturer, resulting in less resources to share with all the employees.  Depending on the situation, the salesperson’s feelings, and time and energy spent discussing our concerns.  We get to imagine that we are not interdependent in this case as we usually don’t hear back the impact of our choice on someone else.

In relationships, we do hear back the impact from the people we make choices and that presents a problem for many.  It is how we bogged down in all kinds of thoughts…or maybe I should say we get bogged up (in our minds) and lose connection with ourselves and what’s actually important to us.  We become so concerned with them, we lose us, and often begin to resent them for doing so.

I highly recommend that in all your relationships, even the ones you enjoy, take a needs survey. Relationships, like a bar of soap, have benefits and costs.  The more clear you are about both, the easier it will be for you to navigate your relationships well.  You will be more effective of asking for what you want, either from the person you are in relationship, or yourself —meaning drop expectations of specific needs that won’t be met in a particular relationship and go for the ones that will.  You can then choose to participate in ways that feel good, let people off the hook for being something they aren’t, and enjoy the needs that are getting met as you will have discovered abundant strategies in having the needs met.

There are a few ways I suggest doing this.  Here’s one:

1. Choose a relationship in your life. 

2. Print off the needs list. 

3. Quickly evaluate which needs are and which needs not getting met.  

4. Next, consider some strategies that you might come up with to have more of those needs met. 

5. Remember to evaluate if those needs are (or can be) easily being met elsewhere.  

6. Take a moment to evaluate if you are stuck in one particular strategy with this particular person, and find some creativity in how you might experience more of that need being met in other ways.

This is something I encourage with all relationships from significant other to contractors, to colleagues at work, to friendships, to family of origin folks to the people who serve you in coffee shops.  All relationships have both benefits and costs.  It will help you to enjoy them if you know what those costs and benefits are.