You're Out!
There was big drama in the US Open Tennis Championship just a few weeks ago. The number one player in the world forfeited and was ousted from a match and the tournament. He was out of a tournament he was destined to win. One that was important to him.
Why? Because he hit the ball with anger and injured someone.
Here’s the rule: If someone is injured following their actions of intentionally hitting a ball dangerously or recklessly within the court or hitting a ball with negligent disregard of the consequences —you are out. That’s it. No matter what.
In this case, the player hit the ball a few times in anger, the last time hitting a lines person. Hurting the lines-person was clearly something he didn’t intend and was saddened by.
Sound familiar? “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
What if we had this same rule when relating with our friends and family. What if we were automatically ousted from the relationship if we showed negligent disregard of the consequences of our actions?
How many relationships would have been over in minutes, hours, or days? Possibly this rule would create relationships which are consistently rich and full of care.
I’m pretty sure I love the rule.
In a way, it is the rule of the work of Nonviolent Communication. Both in tennis and relationships, you get to have your feelings. Being angry, furious, sad, disappointed, frustrated is good. Feelings are welcome.
In tennis, it will often happen in a match that the feisty players create an energy on the court that the tennis world appreciates. Spectators are more engaged in the match and enjoy the realness, when the personality and emotions are alive and showing. I think we like how knowing how much the player cares about what they are doing. The acknowledgment and display of emotion often helps enliven a player. Wakes them up and gives them more power to change what is happening.
In relationships ~ and through the context of nonviolent communication, your feelings are considered very important. They are your navigation tools. They tell you which direction to move in. Emotions give you the information that something is important and just how important it is. On the skills sheet, feelings is #2 on the list of things to identify. Knowing your feelings is vital to a satisfying outcome when there is conflict.
In both cases, it is when one acts with disregard for the consequences of their actions, that the problem might arise.
In tennis you can get fined when you throw or break your racquet. You only get thrown out when you injure another person from throwing your racquet, or kicking something, or otherwise acting in a way that makes it possible for someone to get hurt and they do.
When I reflect on this through the lens of NVC, disregard for the consequences of one’s actions, is when we just don’t consider about the other person’s needs before we act. We may care about the other person. That isn’t really the question. It is all about forgetting about their needs in a given moment. Ultimately, we are forgetting our own as well. If Marshall and others are correct in their assumption that the deepest need we all have is contribution, then it follows that if I am not considering the other person’s needs, I truly am not going to meet my own either.
Yet it happens over and over in our relationships.
This player is still #1. He didn’t lose his ranking or any ranking points. He is/was able to play in the very next tournament and did. He just forfeited his right to continue to play in the tournament he was in. That’s the rule.
In tennis, just so you know, there is no shame thrown into the conversation. The umpires and other tournament directors, listen quietly, likely offer empathy, and then invite the player to please leave.
I wonder what would happen if we just forfeited our relationship for the season (or some period of time) every time we lost our capacity to consider needs before we acted —we just gather our things and go.
I wonder if this policy was woven so deeply into our culture so we all knew the rules, how would life be different?