Assumptions
Trending right now in my circles is the meme: Assume Good Intentions. Having seen it in a few contexts, I wonder when people post or say it, what do they mean. I also wonder if they get just how difficult this can be for many of us. It’s one thing to say it, it’s another thing to actually do it. Like many posts, or ideas, there is no ‘how to’ leaving many people once again falling short --another invitation to keep folks in their ‘I’m not good enough’ story. This, quite frankly, is one of my pet peeves.
Another way this thought is offered is by saying, ‘don’t take it personally’. I think I understand what this means. That what someone else says or does, is all about them, not you. I actually don’t fully agree with this. It’s more like a ‘we’ thing. What they mean when they say something is all about them. What you hear (or make it mean) when they say something is all about you. No free passes for either person. Hence the we. If we can explore what we filter for --our part in the distress, it will help, in the long run to track, or unpack these filters, resulting in more calm, more satisfying and more interesting conversations rather than two (or more) anxious, tense, upset people trying to navigate thoughts and feelings, in the moment.
As usual, embedded in the work and skill building tools of Nonviolent Communication, you will find that elusive ‘how to’.
As far as Assuming Good Intentions --fabulous idea, yet difficult to magically do it. We tend to assume bad intentions. Certainly contributing to that is our Negativity Bias --meaning, humans tend to look for what’s wrong (vs. what’s right). Why? Because our neurological wiring tells us that’s the safer way to go. Protecting ourselves. I’m guessing each of us have our own short internal stories which contribute as well.
If you aren’t able to break the cycle simply by assuming good intentions, perhaps you can by assuming something between the good and bad. Or making no assumptions at all, yet practicing something new.
I’m referring to one of the 17 Core Commitments that Miki Kashtan offers us in her book, Spinning Threads of Radical Aliveness. Core Commitment #8 reads: Assumption of Innocence: even when others’ actions or words make no sense to me or frighten me, I want to assume a need-based human intention behind them. If I find myself attributing ulterior motives or analyzing others’ actions, I want to seek support to ground myself in the clarity that every human action is an attempt to meet needs no different from my own.
Rather than assuming they meant no harm, and even if they did, underneath that is the understanding that everything anyone says and does is an attempt to meet a need. This is one of the most fundamental beliefs that Nonviolent Communication invites us to accept. If this is true, then even when we are hurt, or hooked, or triggered, we can put into practice getting the support we need to remember that whatever the other person said or did was a tragic attempt to meet a need of their own. Finding empathy from one of your friends, colleagues, coaches to discern what they could have been wanting when they said the hurtful thing. We can move on to finding self-empathy. Connecting to our own needs. What is our pain pointing to? If we choose to, we can help them connect to the needs. And if not that, at very least, we are now connecting to the need(s). Which relieves us from living with the painful stories.
This practice isn’t about being nice. If you don’t care, then don’t pretend, just say so. Or if you prefer not to say so, or the situation is such that you think your needs will not be met by saying anything, there is no requirement to do so. Yet if you are able to connect to their needs, you might find compassion. Simple. Nothing else to do. Just because you are connected to someone else’s need, there is no random rule that you agree with what they are saying/doing, or to agree to any requests they are making. The practice offers freedom in how you navigate yourself through what agreements you will want to make with this person. If also offers is something to do, rather use your willpower to think something you don’t --they didn’t mean harm. You can actually practice connecting to the needs. This is the work of Nonviolent Communication.