Love Me Tender

When supporting folks in their attempts to resolve conflict, I often long for them to take a moment to invite in gratitude and care --a softness with each other that gets lost when they are upset.   Part of the simple work of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) --if we really implement and practice as (I believe) Marshall intended, is to drop into tenderness.  A sweet way of holding ourselves and others with care.  Especially when we are upset about something they said or did.

This doesn’t mean remaining in close relationship with everyone.  Or staying in a job or marriage that isn’t serving your needs.  I think this is often where people get confused about what NVC is and what NVC isn’t.  It is often referred to as Compassionate Communication and I’m guessing that people confuse compassion with being nice, or for some reason not saying something because someone else might feel sad or hurt when they hear it.

Truly being honest, yet acknowledging that what is true for you can be difficult for you to bear because of your own mixed emotions is the encouragement here. Reluctance to share it because it will be difficult for another to bear is another of the challenges of effective communication.  Being authentic and how to do this well is what the work of NVC is all about.  How do you manage all these things we were taught to do, in order to be nice.  Navigating this is the healing salve that Nonviolent Communication offers.

Embracing the idea that your choices are all yours, even if another person feels sad.  At times, this can be challenging, and it is why I suggest that you drop into your tenderness as you consider the agreements you make in order to feel happy and whole.  Dropping the belief that another person has power over us, or we have the power to ‘make them feel’ sad, or hurt, disappointed or even angry is the work that NVC offers us.  As well as the self-awareness and language necessary to learn how to do this.  It isn’t true and the belief stops us from being honest or sharing authentically.  NVC teaches us the skills necessary to negotiate difficult topics with tenderness and care. 

Believing we are being mean if we speak our truth, or we better not say something for fear that they will be upset is one of the ways that we are not tender with ourselves.  Remembering that caring for our needs equal to others is vital to create a relationship that is happy, healthy and strong.  Being strong enough to say what’s so and hold space for another’s pain is required.  Rather than keeping it in and suffering through to keep the peace, or navigate pain for another. 

What a gift the work of NVC offers us.  Being fully self-expressed, asking for what we want and remaining fully engaged and caring for another all at the same time. 

This container of care and tenderness is wonderful gift we can share with all those we say we love, and/or hold dear --our partner, our children, parents, friends.  And potentially with those we might not hold so dear yet are committed to relating with for one reason or another --people who do work for us --contractors, landscapers, repair people and colleagues in work.

[BTW--it is the same when people feel happy and joyous, delighted and the like.  We can’t take credit for that either, even though we tend to like to.] 

It might seem counter-intuitive to speak up and say what might be heart-breaking for both parties, truthfully if you are able to say it and remain present for another’s pain, this is compassion and care looks like.  Let’s not confuse tenderness with being weak.  In my view finding and living in your tenders requires great strength…strength of mind, strength of will and strength of living with truly open hearts.