It Isn't a Contest
When couples are challenged in their relationships and ask for help in finding ways to understand each other better, my coaching will be: “slow it down”. I will generally begin with asking three questions. 1. What you are listening for? 2. What are you asking for? 3. How have you contributed to the distress?
Possibly the most important thing to do is stop the endless fault finding. An argument inside the context of blame will never end.
What’s required when we find ourselves in exhausting conflict, is empathy. A quality of listening for what’s hidden beneath what people are actually saying. In NVC language it would be listening for the needs people are trying to meet —no matter how backward or baffling seem to be.
So often, we just don’t know how, can’t notice, or are in so much distress we can’t tell that what we are saying and/or doing is going to create the exact opposite of what we want.
Have you ever said to someone, “I know you don’t care about me, just leave!” [when you really just want them to tell you how much you matter to them]? Or maybe you yelled at your partner who just told you something meaningful to them because you didn’t like what they said? [Maybe something like a dream they have of getting away from it all and living in another country (that you don't want to go to) as an example]? You are consistently asking for honesty? Yet when they are speaking honestly, the feedback they get that isn’t going to be received well. Likely they won’t try it again.
Wouldn’t it be divine if the person you were speaking to had the capacity to stay with you? Remain present. Not to react to what you just said? They are probably thinking it would be equally divine if you could provide that to the conversation as well.
Are you demanding that other people have communication skills that you don’t have? It is pretty common. I’m all for asking for what you want. Insisting is likely to be troublesome.
If the experience that you want is understanding, it is so helpful when the listener is trying to listen for that understanding, rather than reacting to clumsy language. When you are upset and aren’t able to think clearly about what you want to say, how about if your partner was able to help you? That's what empathy is about.
I remember listening to Marshall Rosenberg in one of his audio series. He was helping a couple who had been arguing about handling household finances for years and years. His suggestion was that once they were both connected to their own and the other’s needs, that it would take 20 minutes or less to come up with a workable solution. Indeed, it may have taken them a bit of time to dive deep and feel into the needs behind their stories about each other. As predicted, though, once that happened, they felt so much relief and were steeped in the care for each other, that, as predicted, an easy solution presented itself shortly thereafter.
The problem I encounter in coaching sessions is that often each person is so upset about things —often times stuck in the past, they both desperately want to receive empathy, rather than want to offer empathy. It becomes a tug of war so-to-speak. It occurs as losing if you are the one to offer empathy first**.
It might take a few tries to really believe this. Or better yet, have an experience (preferably a few) that when you offer empathy, you are experiencing it as well. Needs are things that don’t actually have a direction. They are experiences you can steep in. Another hijacked and definitely not an exact quote from Marshall Rosenberg is that you are really in the consciousness of NVC —or what I might simply say connection to what’s alive, when you don’t know if you are giving or receiving.
If you want connection with your partner, the fast track to having that need met is to offer connection, or notice if what you are saying is bringing them closer to you or creating more distance. If you want honesty, how are you showing up in your relationship? Are you being fully honest, or holding a few things in —well, because? If you want cooperation, are you demanding that your partner (kids, mom, colleagues) do things your way, or are you concerned with their needs as well and brainstorming how they will all get met?
Having needs met as a strategy for happy relationships isn’t a contest. It is a skill, and an opportunity that when applied by any party, will create the condition for all needs to be met, especially connection and understanding.
**FINAL NOTE: If the people you are partnered with are uninterested, unable, or unwilling to ever offer empathy, then I might suggest that you consider how you want to get that particular need met. Possibly your relationship with this person might serve you both better in a different category —meaning maybe not partner material, yet could be a delightful friend. This is another topic I write about often. How you are responsible for getting your own needs met. Here are just two: What if They Don’t Want To? and Shop Your List, Not the Store.