NVC Didn't Work

NVC works.  Maybe always. And I rarely use the word always.

Let’s begin with the reminder that if you are ‘using’ Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to get what you want, isn’t actually NVC.  It is something else.

Perhaps when people say this, they are going into a conversation more connected (maybe even attached) to the strategy they think will meet their own needs.  Perhaps they are forgetting what their needs are altogether.  First step then is to remember two things:  NVC is a needs-based way of relating to people, so knowing your own needs is an essential first step.  NVC suggests that everyone’s needs matter equally, so that is what we are going for when we ‘use NVC’ --everyone’s needs getting met.

A few more things to consider.  Do you have a timeline for how long the conversation should last before you decide it worked or not?   Are you forgetting that empathy (self-empathy and/or empathy for another) might take longer --way longer than you had planned or are interested in. 

While the structure of NVC is simple and clear (observations, feelings, needs, requests), the implementation of this structure might be quite complicated.  Being ready to pivot (over and over) depending on how the conversation is going and what seems to be required in any given moment is what is required for NVC ‘to work’.  Rather than insisting that others be different, NVC asks us to be different. That is when NVC works. That’s all there is to do.  The burden falls on us to make NVC work.  At times, we feel furious or frustrated at this.  You’d rather that it was easier --that the other person or people take some responsibility in making the conversation feel better to you.  You wish they would care enough, or be skilled enough to understand you in the way you want.  You might even want them to agree to what you are asking for.  At this point you might fall back into the old pattern of finding fault -- looking for someone to blame for how challenging the situation has become.  I understand, and yet part of NVC is accepting what is so.  It’s an observation of sorts.  This is what’s happening, and given what you want to happen, what’s your next step?

Remembering that insisting that your needs get met by the person or people who you are talking with right now, might be a ‘tragic’ strategy.  For example:  If I want to be heard, and the person I am talking with isn’t interested in what I have to say, then letting them off the hook for that and find someone who is curious about what’s up for me will be a more effective choice.  Another example:  If I want to be seen for my intentions and the person or people I am speaking with are super connected to what they think I intended, then what other choices might I make to be seen?  Perhaps I will call a friend, explain what happened and ask them if they are able to see what I hoped for.  Once you develop the trust that when your needs are met, they are met, and you will let go of this one strategy you have been holding so tightly to. 

It's the gift and the challenge of NVC.  NVC invites us to look at communication, connection, dialogue in a wildly different way than we are used to.  Wildly different than the culture has taught us.  It takes a great deal of practice.  A great deal of mindfulness.  In many ways a good deal of strength.  Staying present to all the needs in the room and holding them as equal is not such an easy ask.  [Download this information sheet for a more thorough description] 

Stopping the conversation when it seems that mutual understanding, or care or connection --whatever you are hoping for is part of NVC.  Assessing if you think all the needs are able to be met by the actual conversation.  That is NVC.  Remembering that getting our way is not.  So, even if the other people in the room are listening to you and/or each other in a way that do not feel good to you, is a noticing.  An observation that you might even want to share (or not, depending on your assessment if you think your needs would be met).  In that case, once you share, then it would be followed up with a clear, specific request, or a clear, specific offer.

We are so used to winning and losing as part of negotiating with others, that we co-opt this idea into our conversations --maybe just under our awareness, and even if we don’t want to..  You might be using the words --observations, feelings, needs, and requests, yet what might really be happening is assessments, thoughts, attachment to strategies and a whole bunch of demands.  Instead of looking inward for why we aren’t enjoying our conversations and what’s truly alive, we get tired, confused, disappointed, simply stop the conversation and decide that NVC didn’t work.  Please don’t confuse not getting your way, or feeling good about a conversation, with the idea that NVC doesn’t work.  There is no it, and it always works.