Everyday Love ~ My Valentine's Day Rant

I noticed my thoughts and feelings intensifying over the past few days. I am a relationship coach, I should post something about Valentine’s Day. This is my time! Debating whether or not to spend the time writing, wondering if what I am caring about will be transmitted to anyone who reads this, I decided, what the heck?!  Give it a shot.  Let’s see if I can keep it short?!

I was going to write the sentence, “I’m not particularly against Valentine’s Day”, and then offer all the reasons why I am against Valentine’s Day.  So…here I go, out on the risky limb of saying out loud:  I’m so not in agreement with the current cultural narrative that Valentine’s Day is a good idea.

Those of you who coach with me have likely heard give instruction, more than once, “OVERCELEBRATE!”.  

Finding ways to highlight what is going well, what you are enjoying in your relationship(s) will in-and-of-itself, shift your relationship.  The more you can celebrate and the more you can guide your thinking about what’s good and working, rather than what’s not, (due to the ever present Negativity Bias we all are prone to) the more fun and enjoyable your relationship will be.   So I am all for celebrating.

My concern with Valentine’s Day, is that couples wait until this day, randomly scheduled in our Gregorian (or Western or Christian) calendar, to celebrate.  And how do we actually celebrate?  There is a certain pressure to do something big, some grand gesture.  It is usually assigned to the male in a CIS-gender, straight relationship (which the holiday is marketed to).  It is then marketed like crazy to buy candy or flowers, or best yet, jewelry, no matter what the other person might truly enjoy.  Surprise is often preferred to asking the partner what they would most enjoy.

If you are in a relationship, and it is hovering in the ‘just okay’, resigned situation of ‘better than nothing’, and ‘pretty good sometimes’, if the male does these things on Valentine’s Day, then it become the female’s job to thoroughly appreciate the gesture, no matter how much they don’t.  Or it isn’t enough, or it isn’t what they would have wanted if they were asked.

I wonder how many couples in who fit this description enter into a conversation during the dinner or gift giving, about the meaning of their relationship and truly celebrating the joy they have brought to one another in the time they have spent together?

Couples of any configuration who are truly satisfied, will figure out ways to celebrate each other and the relationship regardless of Valentine’s Day, and often shy away from the ‘holiday’ because it has no real meaning for them.

 If you are not in a partnership relationship of any configuration, then it seems like you have to defend that you are actually happy on this day.  All kinds of names are given to the day to explain away why you aren’t partnered up, or really feel the distress of any of the wide variety of reasons that you aren’t.  Possibly you feel pressure to celebrate something?  (Galentine’s Day, perhaps?)

There is absolutely no space [hyperbole?] given to diving into the depths of grief people might feel about their relationships or the longing to be in relationship and what it means.

~Perhaps, someone’s partner just passed away and they are heartbroken.
~Perhaps, someone has been hoping forever to find someone to partner with and share a life together and is feeling lonely and despairing.
~Perhaps, someone is not straight and has been reluctant to share their true desires for fear of family rejection or something worse.
~Perhaps, someone is 35, not in a relationship yet has a lifelong dream of bearing children and creating a huge family to burrow in and that dream is quickly becoming elusive.
~Perhaps, someone has been in an unhappy relationship for the past 10 years (hidden of course), and now they are in a position of grinning and bearing the desperation they feel in their circle of friends who are all celebrating together their super-happy(?) relationships.
~Perhaps, someone has been very unhappy for quite a while in their relationship.  They just want out.  This day reminds them of just one more year they have suffered through, stimulating thoughts of guilt and shame for not being able to find the strength to make a change.

What else?

I just do not see the upside of Valentine’s Day.

Except, of course, 50% off candy the day after.