Don't You Agree?
Communicating compassionately is not about being nice. It is about being honest and strong, and willing to bear the impact of your preferences and choices on the people you care about. Confusing being nice with holding compassion for someone you care about is not ideal because they are wildly different. Wanting to be nice, —or wanting to be considered a nice person will lock you into relationships that are stifling. Finding your way into relating with people who want you to have the life you want, while trusting they will be creating the lives of their dreams as well, can set you free.
When you ask for circumstances in your life and you spend unlimited hours trying to get another person to agree with your idea(s), your plan, your vision of the future, or just who does what chores (when they just don’t agree) —relationships get hard. And exhausting.
You think to yourself, “If I can just get them to agree with me, this will all go well”. So you spend hours getting creative about how you will ask for agreement. This will likely last forever because you are asking for the wrong things. Rather than ask for agreement, you want to ask for what you want, no matter whether they agree or not.
Often people are unhappy in their relationship or an aspect of their relationship. Usually it is one or three major ‘things’ they are unhappy about. The other person just doesn’t do the thing they want, or doesn’t think about a particular thing the way they do. The strategy they use to remedy their own unhappiness is to try to convince the other person to agree with them about what they do not agree with them about. Said another way. They try to get their people to try and change their minds. Convince the other person that what they think is wrong. Which is hard enough.
The real issue is that they are waiting for the other person to actually agree before they, themselves are willing to make the changes they want in their own lives.
I’ll say it another way, they don’t accept the responsibility for their own happiness —or meeting their own needs.
They prefer to ask over and over for the same thing. “Surely, you can see that you don’t need all these things all over the floor, and in the closets and the storage containers when you haven’t looked at anything in the past 5 (maybe more like 15) years.” is said to the person who clearly doesn’t agree. (not using the label ‘hoarder’). This is repeated over and over. So for 15 years a person who is living in a cleanliness situation that will never end, because they want the other person to agree, and they just don’t. And, while I tend to be a possibility thinker —they likely never will.
This will all continue forever: the living situation, the arguments and the distress.
Here’s another example. Have you ever said to someone, “This is unacceptable!”? The problem with saying or thinking it is that the sentence really doesn’t convey anything useful. A more empowered and accurate sentence is, “I won’t accept living this way, or living with someone who does this. It is unacceptable to me.” The only thing that matters is what conditions are you willing to accept into your relationships. The other person doesn’t seem to agree with you “since they did/said the thing”. They are absolutely free to choose what is acceptable to them.
The good news is you have options!
If what happened isn’t acceptable to you and it is the first time it happened, then I encourage a conversation. Certainly diving into what happened, what was important to the other person, what is important to you. Discovering if you are in agreement that another solution to whatever was behind the choice the other person made, is a good first step. Absolutely. Asking for change and agreement is what there is to do. Agreement about how everyone’s needs will get met, rather than agreement that the thing they did was wrong. Once the agreements are made, check in regularly about how it is working for everyone.
If it isn’t the first time you have had the conversation, you again are at a choice point. If you haven’t taken the time and had the conversation about needs and strategies, and remained in the categories of right and wrong, you might choose to shift the conversation at this point.
If not, you can continue to remain on the path of trying to get them to agree with you. Which they might. Likely for reasons that you don’t want them to. They might agree because they just want to stop the argument, or get you to shut up already. They might agree because it is the only thing they know to do. They actually don’t want to be in argument, yet don’t personally have the understanding or capacity to implement something new. Their life experience or wounds makes it out of their current reach. And they don’t want you to be sad or angry, so they just agree again, thinking or hoping it will work out better this time. It has worked in the past, that if they just agree, then everything is okay —at least for a while.
If for any reason, someone agrees to something time and time again, yet do not keep the agreement, I encourage you to reconsider the strategy you are choosing to meet your needs.
You are at another choice point. (Basically every moment is a choice point…I am highlighting some of the important ones. Basically they are all important…well, just wanting you to notice these particular times.)
Ask again, however you do. There is nothing inherently wrong with asking over and over, as long as you are in complete acceptance that it is your choice, and you are clear about why you are choosing this strategy. Accepting responsibility for meeting your own needs is key, and leaves the other person —who in this case is the strategy of your choice to meet those needs, off the hook for doing so. Said another way, understanding what other needs are being met by your choice, accepting all of it. In this case, I encourage you to find outside sources of empathy to support yourself moving forward.
I’ll offer one ore example of how I see this idea of ‘wanting them to agree’ play out in relationships. This one is when you want to be ‘considered’ nice. I intentionally say considered because you aren’t actually being nice. You —forgive me for being so direct, are lying. To yourself and your person. Likely not intentionally or even consciously. So no worries. Yet it is true. I think you will find a good deal of freedom if you can drop of out being nice or mean thinking. It isn’t useful to creating good relationships. Read on.
Here you are in a relationship that in some ways just isn’t working for you. You know what you want, you have asked for it, maybe even many times, in every possible way you can think of. Still, you are pretty unsatisfied. No shift has been made on the part of the other person. Mix that with how much you care for this person. You absolutely do not want them to feel hurt, or sad. And you know that if you make the changes you want, that is how they will feel. They will not understand, or care in a way that you want them to. If they did, you wouldn’t want to be making the shifts. You keep hoping that if you ask in just the perfect way, they will finally see it the way you do. Suddenly they will agree with you.
You are in a bind, finding yourself in this untenable position —stay, and remain unhappy, so this person will be happy. They won’t think or tell you that you are mean. Translation: You won’t have to believe your thoughts that the cost of your happiness makes you a selfish and mean person.
It is a very tender and difficult situation to manage emotionally.
Here are a few ways you can free yourself from this bind:
1. Distinguish for yourself the difference between centered in yourself (self-centered) and selfish (mean or uncaring).
2. Distinguish for yourself that it is indeed possible to care for someone and at the very same time, prefer to have a different kind of relationship with them than you do.
3. Free yourself from the thought that the other person is wrong for the way they are. They are fine and perfect. You just prefer to enjoy different qualities for the particular role you have them in your life.
To understand points #2 and #3 a bit better, here an example: You probably wouldn’t hire a ceramic artist to be your accountant. You might want to be friends with them, or take classes with them, or buy things from them. If you hired them to do your taxes, you will likely feel frustrated. You tell them over and over that they must add the numbers and give you the profit and loss statement, yet they don’t do it. They really just don’t think this way. It’s the same. This person isn’t qualified for the job. Yet there is no judgement of them not being good enough. They would be a wonderful choice for having conversations about creativity or designing the perfect vessel for your new plant. The freedom for you both lies in saying it. I prefer that you make me a planter, and that I find someone else to do my books. I’m guessing you both might feel relief, even if only mixed in with disappointment that it didn’t work out like you planned.
4. It isn’t nice to stay with someone because you think you should. Resentment will continue to build and you will likely blame them for that. Except for the few moments when you blame yourself. No one wins. Everybody loses.
All in all, there are a few reasons why we want people to agree with us.We think it will make our lives easier.It might, if they ever did.And when they don’t, I hope you will find the strength and compassion for everyone involved, show up for yourself, speak what’s true, hold space for the feelings that show up for everyone and create the life you want.You might be surprised at how wonderful it can be.