Can You Do This?

I like to say yes to people who make requests of me.  At least to a certain extent, meaning I am looking for a way to say yes within the context of how my yes will meet my own needs.  I have learned over the years that it works out better for me and the person asking for something if I actually consider what I am saying yes to before I say it.

Many years ago, I used to say yes to anything asked of me.  If someone asked and I had it, I was saying yes.  It may sound generous or kind, yet it wasn’t really.  I didn’t have the capacity or means, or self-awareness to consider my reply.  It was too fast.  I learned that saying yes, when I wasn’t sure, or didn’t know why, led to a good deal of resentment.  Learning to say no has actually been a relief and led to more honest and connected relationships. 

As you know by now, saying yes when we mean no leads to resentment.  We blame the other person for asking.  This can often lead to avoiding people, leaving them confused or hurt, not understanding why you are choosing more distance.  Especially if you are friends with or related to those who are super happy to ask for stuff.  If you are not so skilled at navigating saying no, then you will want them to just go away.  Possibly you find yourself not answering the phone when they call and reluctant to return the call.

Another concern when considering requests is discerning what is actually being asked for.  Requests are easily navigated when we are clear about what the request is.  Requests in the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) world are more easily negotiated when a few criteria are met, of course, assuming that you have already identified your needs.

Requests ‘Rules’

1.  They can be agreed to in present time --meaning right now.
2.  They are in positive action language –meaning ask for what you do want rather than what you don’t want.
3.  They are specific –meaning very specific.

Present time.
What this means is that whatever is being asked for, the other person is able to agree right now to it.  If the person isn’t saying yes to it, then how to you (both) modify the request to something that will be agreed to.

Here’s an example:  I am asking you to stay home every night this week to care for the kids, as I want to take an evening class.  You aren’t sure if you have plans for work on Thursday so you aren’t able to answer (say yes) to my request.  I will modify my request then to you –will you take a look at your calendar tonight and let me know if you are a yes or a no.  That is something you can say yes to right now.  Present time.

Positive Action Language.
I want you to stop watching TV in the evenings so that I can go over the day’s events.  Rather than ask you to stop watching television (what I don’t want), I will ask you to schedule a half hour in the evenings –say between 7pm and 10pm on weeknights to go over our days, and organize for the day tomorrow.  This is what I do want.  Posirtive Action Language.  And it is specific.

Specific.
When you are asking someone for something, let them know exactly what that is.  When someone asks you for something, make sure you know exactly what they are asking you to agree to.  Otherwise how can you say yes or no, and/or modify the request.  Make a counter-proposal so-to-speak. 

Here’s an example.  I ask you if you are willing to support me as I make a difficult phone call to a mutual friend.  Can you say yes to this?  I wouldn’t want to.  How can you be clear about exactly what support is?  I would ask for some details.  Do you want me to go with you to this person’s house?  When is the call?  Are you expecting me to say something?  Once you have the answers to these questions, then possibly you can be a yes or modify in a way to get to yes.

The modified request sounds like:  I’d like you to sit with me tomorrow afternoon at 2pm when I have a phone call scheduled with Betty.  She and I have a difficultly between us and I’m nervous.  I think I’ll feel better if I can hold your hand.  No participation in the dialogue on your part, just presence.  This is specific.

Can You Do This?

Below are a few examples of requests for you to practice with.  Do they meet the above criteria?  How could you modify them so that you are confident and clear about what you are saying yes to?

1.      Will you come to my place and help me with a project?

2.      Will you help me decide what to make for dinner?  I want to go vegan!

3.      Will you talk to Rob for me?  He said something I really didn’t like and you were there.

4.      Do you want to have lunch with me?

5.     I want to talk over the plans I have for the biz we want to start.  When do you want to do this?

Give it a try.  Getting clear about what you are asking for, and what you want to say yes (or no) to is essential for satisfying relationships.  It might feel awkward at first so practice is key!  I find that it relieves so much confusion and resentment that over time you will come to savor having this skill.

If you are struggling to understand this or re-write the request examples, ask your questions in the comments.  I’m happy to help.