It's a We Thing
One of the primary touchstones of compassionate consciousness is that we hold everyone’s needs dear. Meaning in our relationships we are considering solutions or strategies that meet the needs of all involved.
It’s a we thing.
Shifting your perspective to needs based consciousness is a pretty big accomplishment. It is huge when someone finds themselves dropping out of finding fault when there is a conflict or disagreement and into curiosity. So much freedom and connection can be found in relationships when looking to meet needs rather than who is to blame. Yet, I have found over the years that this is a place where people get a bit stuck.
Some folks are easily able to identify their own needs. They are even able to come up with what they want to ask for to meet the need(s). At the same time, or more often at other times, folks are able to consider what another person’s needs are. The snag arises in seeing them all at the same time.
The dance of being in relationships that are consistently steeped in honesty, curiosity and respect can be elusive.
If my experience is a good barometer, when someone is upset they are able to connect to their own needs. At the same time, there is a converse relationship to being simultaneously aware of the other person’s needs related to the level of distress they are experiencing.
If the other person is upset, frequently you will be able to take a guess at what needs are causing their distress and even make an offer or suggestions of how to meet those needs. Again, if you are not simultaneously connected to your own needs, you might make agreements to do things you might not actually want to do. It happens when you are in a rush to ‘fix’ the situation, or want resolve the conflict immediately. This sets up an awkward pattern in the relationship often resulting in resentment and/or resignation.
Because the NVC way of relating is so different, it takes a good deal of self-awareness, mindfulness and most importantly practice, to break the communication habits we learned throughout our lives. Also it requires slowing down, finding some calm and remembering what’s at stake.
Helpful Hints:
1. Take a Breath
2. Take another breath
3. Slow it all down. Take a minute to not respond.
Stephen Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and The 8th Habit, writes about this intentional type of response in his book and illustrates perfectly how many people in our culture have turned a blind eye to their own accountability. Simply stated, Covey describes the moment between when we’re presented a situation or a stimulus and when we respond and take action. That space between is called “freedom of choice.” This space is where we consciously choose to respond in a certain way. That space is a beautiful thing. It represents our freedom. It represents our free will. It’s where we can choose to express ourselves.
4. Ask yourself, “What’s important here?” This will direct you to considering the needs lurking beneath all the thoughts running through your mind.
5. If you are only connected to your own needs, and even if you follow the wonderful structure Nonviolent Communication (NVC) offers you, then your ‘request’ will likely be a demand, or at very least received that way. Before bringing it all up, check in. Have you mapped out the other person’s needs as well so you can easily weave them into the conversation? Are you curious?
Once you know all the needs that are connected to this situation, another few steps are vital to navigating the we space.
This situation is likely not happening in a vacuum.
1. Part of a robust gratitude practice is finding gratitude even when you are in distress. Difficult conversations steeped in the energy of gratitude for life and/or other needs being met in your relationship shift the entire conversation. Getting into the practice of beginning with and weaving in gratitudes will help round out the context of the conversation. Acknowledging your friend for how they are contributing to your life reminds you of that and helps them to feel seen for who they are as well. Diving into the struggle becomes much easier.
2. Take a moment to notice your thoughts. Perhaps some of your habits (communication and other habits) have been with you for a long time before relating to this person. Perhaps this person really doesn’t need to be involved at all for you to have your needs met? Who else might be available to support your needs being met?
3. If you find that you think the conversation will serve all, then decide when to have the conversation. Are you in a noticeable rush? Why? Perhaps right now isn’t the best time for the other person to dive deeply into an intimate and possibly tense conversation. Perhaps even this week might not serve everyone. Weave in the other life needs as you make the decision about when best to initiate a conversation.
The we space is exquisite. It isn’t quite the addition of you and me. It is something brand new. Being able to learn and heal with another person —about yourself and about them is sacred. Can you recognize that partnering allows you both to accomplish something more than you would individually? It requires honesty and gentleness and curiosity about everything you want to create together. What are the limits of you doing something new because of this particular relationship? Sharing life with another magical, perfect and equally ‘flawed’ human. How do you navigate those limits without insisting someone else compromise their own?
This is the dance of a healthy relationship. It is intimacy at its finest. Finding the amount of tension you can creatively bear, and then choosing how much time and what kind of time you think will serve everyone best.