Ask for Impact, not Permission

One of my favorite books is by Brené Brown.  The title alone:  Braving the Wilderness; The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone still inspires me.  In it she shares a story of being on Oprah for the first time and it went so well Oprah suggested they record another episode.  Brené’s response to Oprah was, “Should we ask?” and Oprah replied, “Who would you like to run it by?”

This is one of my favorite parts of this book (and there were many).  First, she’s Oprah.  Does she ask anybody for permission to do anything —especially on her own show?

Second, and what this blog is about —Brené’s immediate thought that she needed permission.

There are a variety of reasons this might have been true for Brené and could be for you as well.  Likely a remnant of childhood, which celebrated conformation, following the rules, and being responsible for others’ happiness.  The response to our spontaneity is how we learned to track others’ emotional state rather than our own.  Even prioritize it for our safety.  The strategy to focus outside ourselves in order to be safe and accepted has been wired in to our nervous system and biochemistry.  Unless we do something to re-wire it remains our go-to as adults.  This is juicy material to explore further for sure.  Yet I’d like to focus instead on how this idea of asking permission impacts relationships now and what to do about it.

In any kind of partnership, whether it is your significant other, friends, work colleagues or even parent/child relationships, I encourage asking for impact rather than asking permission.  You no longer need permission.  Perhaps in a healthy culture, you never did.  Permission is how relationships occur in a dominator culture.  When someone has power over the other.  We are exploring how to partner with others in the context of shared power.  Sometimes it seems scary, or awkward, or difficult to see it; and if we ever do see it, it is too much to admit it to someone else. It doesn’t make logical sense.  It is, however how it works. We don’t have the skills —or the nervous system to do this easily given the history described above.

It may seem like semantics.  It isn’t.  In reality when you ask permission you are outsourcing your power. You are giving it away.  To someone who doesn’t necessarily want it, didn’t ask you for it, nor is it theirs to give.  You begin to feel resentful of having to ask.  They are confused by your resentment. And all of this is happening under the radar so-to-speak.

How do you ask for what you want without asking for permission?  What’s the difference?

Here are four examples:

ONE:
Permission:  Hey, I’d like to go out to the game tonight with my friends.  Is that okay with you?

Impact:  Hey, I’d like to go out to the game tonight with my friends.  Is this something you can work out with me? 

TWO:
Permission:  I think it is best that we handle this client by doing _______________.  Okay? 

Impact:  I’d like to handle the situation with this client by doing _______________.  I’d like to hear your thoughts on my idea before I go ahead and reach out to them.  Do you have time to go over this with me in the next hour or so, as I am feeling some urgency in addressing the situation?

THREE:
Permission:  I have a lot on my plate and want to skip the meeting today.  Can you handle it on your own? 

Impact:  I have a lot on my plate and want to skip the meeting today.   I have to get out a quote to so-and-so by noon.  Can you easily handle it on your own, or is there some reason that you really want me to be on the call with you?  I’d like to know before I decide one way or the other.

FOUR:
Permission:  I’d like to take on this role at my community organization and it’s going to require time away from the family.  I’m not going to say yes if you don’t want me to.  Can I?

Impact:  I’d like to take on this role at my community organization and it’s going to require time away from the family.  I’m not going to say yes until we have a conversation about what’s really required.  I’d love to be able to work it out in a way that feels good to both of us.  Will you talk this through with me tomorrow at lunch?

In language the shift is quite nuanced.  One or two words different in each example.  In reality and energetically between the people, the shift is enormous.  I am going to ask you how my request impacts you because I care, not because you are the boss of me.

One fundamental shift this new kind of negotiating requires is knowing what you want and why.  Meaning, what needs your request is attempting to meet.  The request (what someone is asking for) is just a way into the conversation.  Ultimately you want everyone’s needs to be met, not just your own, and your request is just one way that might happen.  This shift in perspective allows you to ask for whatever you want because you will be less attached to the yes, and more aligned with exploring all the ways you can enjoy the negotiation together.

Maybe it seems counterintuitive, yet this is where your freedom lies.  We are more free in our relationships when we are clear about our needs, and curious about the needs of other.  Caring about another person’s needs gets us out from under tracking on their happiness only.  We weave ourselves back into the exchange.  Without having to weave them out.  

The deeper I dive into understanding and implementing the work of Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication —NVC) into my own life, the more I find the depth of self-awareness it offers.  For many, it seems like the work is about developing relationships that are satisfying and collaborative, honest yet steeped in compassion. Which it is. 

And it is so much more.  It offers me (and you) an opportunity to be mindful of what’s alive in me —what’s important.  When people say, love yourself first, this is what I think they mean.  I get to celebrate that I am a human just like you.  I can care about me equal to me caring about you.  I can ask for what I want fully and out loud without thinking that somehow that is inherently wrong, or that I am not worthy of even asking, let alone having my needs met. I can ask for what I want because I care equally about what you want.

The very coolest part of all of this is that everyone gets their needs met.