Random Rules

How do you make the choices in your life?  When you make agreements –or ask for what you want, are you stuck in a strategy?  You might say no to this, and I’m encouraging you to check in and explore more deeply how you are weaving your life choices together. 

Who will this exploration help? 

~Those who identify with the label People Pleasers
~The folks who operate out of obligation --responding to the shoulds (their own and others’) in their lives
~People who want to show up authentically.  This is only possible if you know what your needs are.
~People who live in the world tracking strategies rather than the needs they are longing for in life.
~People with children and tell them to do what and what not to do, without sharing with them the needs that these yeses and no’s are based on. This one affects the next generation, so for me super important.  Doing it differently will give your kids relationship skills that will serve them for life.  Navigating relationships from the beginning based on meeting all needs is the gift that keeps on giving.  In my view, this will change the world.
~Everyone I haven’t mentioned above. 

If you are not aware of what your needs are in any given situation, then how are you certain they will be met?  If you are not centered in yourself and making offers and requests that will serve life, yours and others, then how do you walk in the world?  How do you pivot with ease, navigate all possibilities with curiosity and care? 

I think you just don’t.

You link up with random rules and insist that others abide by them so you can be happy.  It does happen at times, when the other person aligns with the same rules and it is relatively easy to say yes to what you are asking.  When that isn’t the case, you are in for disappointment and confusion.  Disappointment because they are not agreeing to your request and confusion because you don’t understand why. 

A clear example of this is with children.  They tend not to be in agreement about bedtime, that their face should be clean, or the house should be neat and orderly.  Their rules are not the same as yours.  Generally with our children, we ignore what’s important to them and insist that they follow your random rules as if they are true for all.  In the case of kids, their safety is dependent on you so eventually they tend to comply.  Which teaches them that they are powerless and misses the opportunity to teach them how to negotiate their own needs with everyone’s needs being met.

When insisting that others abide by your random rules, remember that you also aren’t rooted in the deep soil of needs.  You get stuck in a story that is random and find it difficult to feel resourced and centered in anything real.  Because you are not rooted to what you truly long for (needs), you become attached to the one strategy you chose –thinking this and only this will satisfy you and everyone is now filled with tension.  No one is looking for the wide variety of solutions available finding themselves stuck with either saying yes to what you ask for or risk being punished in some way because they don’t want to do exactly what you are wanting them to do –even at the cost of their own needs.

As I understand people pleasers, you find yourselves saying yes, without weaving in a moment to consider what needs you are meeting first.  It can get exhausting shapeshifting yourself to what life (and your friends) are asking you for if you aren’t rooted in yourself.  This strategy of randomly saying yes is not sustainable over time.  Eventually a blowup or an implosion will occur.

In the conversation of those who are wanting more authenticity in relationships and life—how can you be authentic if you aren’t steeped in knowing what’s alive in you and sharing it honestly with others?  Those seeking authenticity might be one of the most challenging groups because of the self-awareness, self-exploration that is required before we can share it with others at all, let alone easily.  If you don’t do the deep inner dive, then the outward share will not feel (or be) authentic.

So many of us do things because we, and others think we should.  Obligation is so prevalent in our world.  Based on what?  Random Rules that have captured our minds.  This kind of relating  is heavy.  Life is filled with choices we don’t want to say yes to, yet aren’t able to find our way out of.   Instead of freedom and joy, we experience the world and our relationships as prisons of sorts, leading to resignation, depression, and overall malaise.  The way to freedom?  Of course connecting to what’s really true for you and finding ways to fold this into your conversations and relationships.

Knowing if you are following Random Rules rather than from deep connection to what your truths and longings are can be elusive.  As a practice, try naming your needs before asking for something (making a request of someone) or offering your time and attention to someone, or something.  Really anything.  If it seems small (passing the salt, saying yes to Chinese takeout –vs. Italian, okay, it’s a practice worth doing over and over.  When the navigation is of something which seems big, --shall we move in together?  --do you want to change your career?  --do you want to go back to school, move to another town, plant a tree in your yard, you will have lots of practice and confidence that the choice you will make will be attempt to meet needs, rather than anything else