I Know it's a Story But...

For those of you who deeply want to change the way you communicate with others.  For those of you who truly want to transform your relationships, for those of you who want to be responsible for your responses to the world, please consider never letting this phrase slip through your lips into the airwaves again.  Even better, delete it from your thinking.

It’s a big ask, isn’t it?

Did I just use the word never?!  I was going to change it and then I realized using it could offer some useful (side) information.  If you have received my coaching, or come to a class, you will have already heard my piece about the use of the word never.  Here it is again. The word ‘never’, whether you are hearing it from someone else, or you are thinking it (or saying it) is a barometer of just how great the need is behind whatever is being said.  The never part isn’t usually actually true, yet it does communicate an valuable piece of information.  Which is how important what is happening is to the person it is happening to.  In this case, the needs for connection, mutual understanding, ease are all underlying my thought that people should never use this phrase.

Why is it so important to me?

If someone knows enough about compassionate communication, or Nonviolent Communication (NVC), to say ”I know this is a story…but” I experience this as an emotional roller coaster.  It’s like someone is so, so, so, so close to finding compassion because they are actually saying the very words out loud, and then falling back into blame, shame, moralistic judgement and many of the things that are counter to finding a solution to whatever it is they are struggling with.  I want to scream, ‘Hey, wait a minute!!!  You know this, you just said that a story won’t get you to where you want to go! —And then you followed it right up with a story. 

I understand.  I’m guessing I said this sentence myself a few hundred times.  

As a coach, I can be in a hurry for something to be resolved.  I often am witnessing both sides (if there really were such a thing as sides) in a couple’s struggle, or a family that can’t quite find their way back to love, or even in a workplace mediation this back and forth, push-pull communication.  Seeing all sides, and having the role of encouraging people to drop out of blame so they can get on with the business of seeing each other’s humanness, sharing feelings, and asking for what they want, this sentence —especially when I hear from everyone involved, let’s me know that I am in for a long haul of empathy and listening before that healing can happen.

The up side of hearing this sentence is that it’s an indication of a shift.  There is a knowing in this person that their stories aren’t the truth. They are so hurt, they just aren’t yet able to hold space for another person being hurt as well.   They aren’t quite able to let go completely of the idea that what they believe is true, isn’t the actual truth.  They are one step closer though.

You can try this out for yourself.

If you are struggling to find connection with someone or mutual understanding, and they tell you ‘what you did’, as the truth, notice how you feel.  It has probably happened at least once, so you already know what I am talking about.

Here’s an example: 

“You totally ghosted me the other night when you absolutely said you wouldn’t.  I know that you really don’t care about my feelings.  I know you have kids that I am second (or third or fourth) in who you consider important, and, of course, they are important, but I am so sick of coming in last in your world.”

Let’s say what actually happened (as you remember it) is that you took a phone call because there was an emergency at your workplace and they couldn’t find anyone to go in and figure out how to navigate the problem.  You didn’t leave the house, and the call took 30 minutes.

Likely someone saying this to you doesn’t feel good.

If they add, “I know this is a story, but… you totally ghosted me the other night when you absolutely said you wouldn’t.  I know that you really don’t care about my feelings.  I know you have kids that I am second (or third or fourth) in who you consider important, and, of course, they are important, but I am so sick of coming in last in your world.”

It probably still doesn’t feel good to hear this. Maybe if you have super great listening skills, you will find the language to connect with the person because they have some increased capacity and spaciousness to acknowledge that what they said is a story they believe, and not necessarily the truth of what you believe.  Otherwise there isn’t much room to maneuver yourself into the conversation.

I might reply:

“I’m so glad you acknowledge this as your story, because it isn’t at all true for me.  I’d like to talk more about this and the situation I was in, if you are willing to hear me.  Can we talk now?”

However, it isn’t usually how it goes.  Usually the reply is the counter story, without any reference to it being anything other than the actual truth.  Which, as I know, and you have likely experienced, leads to continued arguments, disconnection and resentment.

Because I am an ‘over-celebrator’, I encourage you to notice and celebrate every time you say, “I know this is a story, but…”. Celebrate that you (or someone else) are learning.  Celebrate that you are closer than ever to being able to navigate conflict with ease. 

And, put some practices in place that will have you stop as you as you hear yourself saying it. 

How do you move this shift of consciousness along?

Here are a few suggestions:
~ Begin an evening practice of unpacking conversations where you were pretty sure you were believing your thoughts (or the story) of a situation, over someone else’s intention.  Replace it with three other possible stories that could be true —whether or not your believe them.  Perhaps include a story you actually don’t believe, yet could be true, just for grins (and building capacity).
~Ask your close people (friends, family, co-workers) if they have experienced you doing this and invite a conversation about the impact of this on them and the relationship.
~Make agreements with people that you are close with to interrupt each other (as a practice) when you hear this, and maybe just pause the conversation, and revisit when everyone is more calm.

Maybe you can think of a few more ways? Let me know what they are!

I know it’s a story but… I think you will create more satisfying relationships when you move through this phase of self-discovery and honest communication.