Feelings Helper –A Label I’ll Wear Proudly

Everyone who has worked with me, or even talked with me casually likely knows that I’m not a big fan of labels.  If they are used as a way to help us understand each other learn more and find compassion for the other, then I’ll take it.  They are most often used in ways that decrease the possibility of care and connection being woven into a relationship.  In fact lock in polarization and blame, and relieve the label-maker from looking toward their own contribution to the struggles they endure in relationships.

Recently I was having a session with a client.  She shared with me that she and her partner were having a bit of trouble understanding each other during the week.  This particular couple, similar to many in my practice really like each other.  They have a generally quite happy life together.  At times, like the rest of us, their histories (communication habits that formed  because of their well-developed filtering systems from childhood) take over and they aren’t able to connect and/or communicate their needs in ways that are all that successful.  They were trying to talk about something during one of these times, struggling to find the right words.  I’m not sure if they would classify what was happening as an argument, yet something like that, maybe just weren’t able to find agreement about ‘whatever it was’.

During her sharing about what happened, she let me know that her daughter noticed their distress, asked them what was going on and invited them to reach out to their feelings helper.

My heart melted hearing that.  For a few reasons.

I have a tendency to fall in love a little bit with my clients.  I’m not sure how it’s possible for that not to happen. The tenderness and honesty I get to witness is such sacred work.  The trust that is offered to witness and navigate the struggles and interest in my guidance is a gift. I’m comfortable in that place. It’s actually enlivening. 

This particular couple, when they have zoom sessions, will often be sidetracked in one way or another by one of their kids.  Which means that they are having their session in front of or adjacent to the kids.  They don’t hide or seem to have shame around getting support for their struggles.  Mind you, this couple isn’t burdened with yelling at each other or name calling, or even much fault finding, although they do have deep feelings and confusion about what is happening between them from time to time. 

What the child said to them about calling their feelings helper speaks to me of how we might heal the world.  One is that this couple has an honesty with their children that is rare.  While they don’t burden their children with their problems, they do acknowledge that they have ‘issues’ from time to time and they have opted to get support for them.  This allows the children to trust their parents.  It offers their children a model for how to navigate struggles of their own.  Without shame.

How wonderful.  Shame is devasting to all relationships –close and important ones as well as the simple ones we have.  Shame creates a condition where we think we must hide what’s true and it becomes impossible to have honest and open conversations where we can find more connection rather than the typical resignation and separation.  It shows up often such subtle ways we can’t even tell that we are holding back.  We might notice disconnection and distress, and yet be unable to notice our own contribution to the disconnection.  It’s so easy to believe that it’s the other person who has ‘left’ in some way.

Offering your kids the option of finding help, or at very least speaking up when they are in conflict is a huge gift to them.  It will change the current dominant world view that struggling in almost any way (physically, emotionally or mentally) means there is something wrong with them, and should be hidden or treated as a malady.  Rather than an invitation to explore what needs are not being met.  Having them watch you model it is the easiest way for them to learn that they are wise and addressing their struggles with good questions and creative solutions is possible.

It takes maybe a good deal of courage and fortitude for you to do it, and not only will you get the support you need, you are offering your children a gift of a happy life.  Possibly even changing the cultural narrative along the way.

I applaud this couple.  And I will be printing new business cards with the title:  Feelings Helper.