Empathy Wars
Empathy is powerful. It can transform even the most challenging moments in relationships. As is the case with all needs, empathy is an experience. Empathy is an energy you can bring about by shifting your quality of listening. It’s one of those things that requires repeating. We can generate the experience we want to have. Repetition and implementing this practice into your conversations is one of the only ways you can experience the benefits of resourcing the needs you want to meet in any given situation.
Empathy, in particular, seems to be one of those needs that we think we have to ‘fight for’. We want empathy from someone else. Especially in relationships that have repetitive conflict and super especially when the conflict is about the same topic(s) over and over. Especially when in relationships you experience a lack of being heard, understood, and seen for your intentions. Not to mention when we bring this lack from our history into our current relationship(s).
The conversation of goes like this:
You want empathy?! I need empathy!
Does this sound familiar? I hear it with remarkable regularity.
Please let me clarify a few things about this.
You can offer empathy and be in the experience of empathy. I am not suggesting that if you have repeated experiences with a partner person that they aren’t able or willing to offer you empathy, that you should stay in the relationship no matter what, or offer empathy when you are not resourced to or interested in doing so. Same goes with other (not partner) people, if you aren’t able or willing –for whatever the reason, then please express your limits and opt out. Knowing what needs will be met and/or the cost is how you will best be able to navigate offering this gift of empathy to someone. It is not your obligation to.
If you are new to offering empathy for someone, or new to the idea of what empathy is, my encouragement is to give it a try. Being an empathetic presence to someone else has often been so rewarding to me. There is a depth of connection, and awareness of what someone else deals with in their thoughts that can be deeply healing for both people. It takes practice. It is an artful and heartful skill to develop. Nothing is lost when we offer folks empathy. Even if you are desperately wanting to be seen deeply (receiving empathy) as well. That can happen in a myriad of ways –other than this person being an empathetic presence right back.
It is not a contest.
Empathy is not agreement. It doesn’t require understanding or shared reality. It is simply being present to –witnessing what another is saying and when possible, weaving in a mindfulness of what needs are being pointed to. What are they longing for underneath whatever words they are sharing with you.
If you are wanting empathy and your partner is unable or willing to hold that space, there are other ways you might navigate this with them. When you are hoping to be heard for a challenge you are having with another person, you might find that it is too much for them to simply be present. They might want to defend, or correct some of the ‘facts’ or conclusions that you have come to by what they said or did. They are just not resourced enough to translate your thoughts into precious needs. In this case, I encourage you to sit with someone else. Speak freely to them and let them support you into dropping into the needs behind your words. Once that happens, you can invite your partner to hear what needs you were/are hoping to meet and make clear requests about how that might happen between the two of you.
Making the choice to sit with someone else also relieves you and your partner of the demand you might have of them. It alleviates the thought you might have that they are obligated to be the one to offer this kind of listening. Sure, it might be nice. Over time, I would hope that you both are more able to navigate this kind of back and forth listening in general. And to develop the mindfulness to notice when it just isn’t possible and creativity to have these needs met in other ways.
Empathy is a gift.
In many cases people are so lacking in this kind of attention it might be more than you want to offer (in the moment). You might be in a relationship with a person (partner, family member, co-worker) that needs more empathy than is comfortable for you. Become responsible for and communicate your limits. Offer suggestions (if you have them) for your people to be heard by others. Caring about someone’s empathy needs is different than offering empathy itself. Successful and satisfying relationships include care, even if the strategy that is being asked for by one or the other might not be the simple solution. Remember that the converse might be true as well. You might need more listening than your people are easily able to offer you. Without compromising the need, please get creative about how to get it met. Especially when it comes to the giving and receiving of empathy –because empathy is a unique and deeply healing salve.
Being raised in western culture, there are many needs that remain in deep deficit. It is why there is such a great number of people not thriving; struggling with health concerns, physical and/or emotional, as well as limited capacity to have good connection with those we care about. Empathy is one of those needs. We are so depleted in finding resources to receive empathy that the demand is real. This is where grace and creativity and compassion for each other will go a long way in our own healing and healing for those we care about as well.