Feeling Lonely? You Are Not the Only One

Are you feeling lonely? 

Perhaps it’s not quite the word you would choose.  Yet somehow the word blends in with feeling kind of ‘off’ in often unidentifiable ways.  The feeling(s) can be vague, leaving you resorting to the words depressed, or overwhelmed.  At times I hear uninterested in what used to be exciting.  Lethargic.  And more often than not I either hear, or detect a kind of loneliness.  Like people have lost their way.  In contrast to how it might have been in the past, people aren’t sure if they want to be around people, because somehow it is different than it was.  And because the feelings are so murky and relatively undefinable, we don’t know how to talk about it.  It’s like we don’t quite fit in like we used to, leaving us to either opt out of being together with others, or opt in and navigate the awkwardness of the experiences we have.

I also find with those who share this with me, a reluctance to talk about it.  Possibly because it is so vague and hard to identify.  Another reason is that we don’t want to bring the energy down when we are with friends or family. 

What can you do?

Here are a few suggestions.  Maybe one (or both) will speak to you.

The first option I suggest is holding these feelings and thoughts you are having as sacred.  Drop into the possible wisdom your thoughts are offering you.  Become curious what your bodymind is telling you.  Deeply listen.  Whatever is happening, whatever you are feeling, whatever you’re choosing to do (or not do), make it okay.  And then ask different questions.  Ask what is important about what is happening?  Are there changes that I want to make in my life?  Am I living the life I want, or is this a wake up to something else I long for and it is difficult for me to allow it to be so?  Often this vague loneliness and malaise speaks to a loss of yourself.  This desire to just lay down and do less is wise.  Take this time to connect in.  Become quiet so you can hear the answers to these new questions.

The second is to share openly and honestly exactly the experience you are having. Without any apologizing.    

Sometimes it is difficult to share openly because the people you are with want you to feel better, and they make it their own burden to contribute to that.  Often without asking you if what they’re doing is, in fact, contributing to your well-being.  Here are ways to navigate that.  One is to begin by asking them if they are open to hearing your struggles in addition to what you are enjoying.  Likely they will say yes, even if they are uncomfortable.  If they do say yes, this is where you get to ask for what you want.  Let them know explicitly that you are simply sharing how life is.  That you are not asking for advice, and it would make the sharing easier for you if they knew that.  Conversely, if you are asking for advice, then let them know that.  Or maybe you are hoping for shared reality and you want to ask them if they have ever experienced something like what you have described.

I find that when I hear the struggles of someone, very specifically, including the confusion about what it all might mean, I am pulled in.  When there is congruence between what they are telling me, meets the feeling I have offers me relief.  If I am with someone and they are saying life is great, yet I feel and/or see despair or sadness in their being I’m not sure what to do.  That’s when I feel a bit awkward.  I appreciate hearing what’s true, especially when we agree that I’m not supposed to do anything about it.  I just get to listen, maybe empathize.  Maybe even sympathize.  I don’t require someone to be happy in order to enjoy their company.

A few helpful hints for true connection in this example of sharing what’s going on.  First, please don’t apologize.  Celebrate living out loud.  Celebrate having people in your life that enjoy all the parts of you.  If someone prefers not to hear your struggles, that is fine, no one is required to do so.  Let them take responsibility to say so and change the topic.

If you sense that they are uncomfortable, yet they aren’t saying so, you may choose to keep your sharing shorter than you might have.  Remembering of course, that you did not cause the other person’s discomfort, so there is no reason to apologize.  I am repeating this, because when you are having the kinds of feelings and thoughts of such tenderness, adding in loneliness of sorts, it is a very slippery slope to making yourself responsible for others’ feelings.

You can then look for others to share what’s true in your heart.  You might be surprised how many people you know share in some ways this same kind of confusion and longing you are experiencing.