10 Skills Required to Navigate Difficult Conversations
From time to time, we find ourselves having a challenging conversation. Here’s a list of 10 skills to use to make the best of this difficult situation.
1. The first and best thing you can do is remember to slow down the conversation. When conversations get challenging, I find that following form and using your communication skills is a good go-to strategy for navigating what’s being said. Rather than the usual reacting to your emotions without first knowing why you are so challenged —or what your emotions are directing you to become aware of. So (if possible) grab all the information sheets you have from workshops and from the materials page. Then you can begin (or continue) your conversation.
2. Take a breath. Taking deep breaths will give you a moment to collect yourself, check in with your body and find your rhythm. Often when conversations become difficult, we go up into our heads, and remain in our thoughts, easily believing them. Taking this moment to dive back into your body allows you to consider what’s happening for you in the present moment and decide more effectively what communication choices you are going to make.
3. Connect to what’s alive for you in the moment. Of course I am quickly going to invite you to understand what your needs are. If you consider the conversation difficult —meaning there are strong emotions, knowing what needs those emotions are pointing to is essential to the conversation having meaning and being productive. Said another way, ask yourself, what’s important to me right now? The needs act as touchstones for what you are going to say (or not say), or guide your choice to continue the conversation now, later or never.
4. Consider what’s alive for the other person in the moment. Equal to understanding what’s alive for you, it is quite practical to connect with what needs might be underlying whatever it is that someone else is saying to you. Often we aren’t able to connect to that, so people are just saying stuff. If it’s true that everything we say and do is an attempt to meet a need, then doing your very best to connect to that in another person will help guide what you will say to direct the conversation in a productive and meaningful way. I use this core principle from Miki Kashtan’s book, Spinning Threads of Radical Aliveness, Assumption of Innocence: Even when others’ actions or words make no sense to me or frighten me, I want to assume a need-based human intention behind them. If I find myself attributing ulterior motives or analyzing other’s actions from the outside, I want to seek support to ground myself in clarity that every human action is an attempt to meet needs no different from my own.
5. We must assuage our desire to have the conversation through the lens of moralistic judgement. Drop out of assigning who’s to blame. Stop trying to find who’s at fault. The blame game and fault finding that is so common in challenging conversations is one of the ways we stop ourselves from finding our way out (through) them. If you or the other person is consistently looking for fault, rather than realizing that there is no actual right or wrong you will likely eventually agree to disagree, or just end the conversation with each of you feeling confident that you are ‘in the right’ and possibly losing your relationship in the long run. If you are able to consider that the other person has a different opinion based on their history, beliefs and current concerns you might find at very least more understanding with each other. More understanding can at very least lead to more connection and care, offering you the possibility of having the relationship remain strong, even if your opinions are wildly different.
6. Listen. Going into a conversation hoping to come out of it with ‘having your way’ will likely not go well. Going into a conversation with the intention to create a quality of connection in which we see each other’s humanness, with no enemy images requires a new kind of listening. The more you can sink in and listen well, the more likely you will be able to hear the intention of the other person (often hidden behind the actual words they are using). Even when conversations are delightful, you might find yourself thinking about what you want to say while the other person is talking. Right? It is almost like them talking is a little break for you to gather your thoughts, rather than a time to dive in to their experience. Deep listening is crucial to dialogue. When someone is speaking about something in ways that are challenging for you, saying the words, “tell me more” is a surprising and effective practice to generate more mutual understanding.
7. Take a break. Sometimes when things get hard in conversations, it isn’t obvious that one strategy for more understanding is taking a break. Pausing. Stop talking. Putting a comma somewhere, agreeing to revisit the conversation at another specific day and time. This is another way to slow things down. If one or the other of the people are finding themselves in distress, the creative juices slow down. It is much more difficult to find calm, and listen, look for and uncover needs, remain present, take deep breaths. When you find that happening, trust the process. Your body is saying it needs a break to stay mindful and fully engaged. Taking a break is not ‘losing’ anything, it is an effective strategy to decrease stress levels, which is again, essential to productive conversations when the topic itself increases stress levels.
8. Find another topic to talk about. If you are in distress about a particular topic, how about weaving other things into your conversations that day. What things are you super-connected about? Talk about that stuff for a while. Focusing your attention on what’s working, or what you are in agreement about will go a long way to fostering energy to continue with the challenging ones.
9. Use less words. Marshall Rosenberg Ph.D., developer of the work of Nonviolent Communication, often coached us to use 40 words or less when wanting to make a point. This coaching encourages us to be mindful about what we want to say, and helps ensure that we don’t lose the attention of the person we are speaking to. Sometimes we go on and on, thinking that we are getting more and more clear, when often the opposite is happening. If you aren’t sure, you can ask the other person to tell you what they heard you say. It will become obvious whether or not your intended message was received.
10. Interrupt. What?! That’s right! Interrupt. For connection only. If the person you are talking to has not heard the above advice and you are lost in a sea of words, stop them. Assure them you are interested in what they are saying, yet haven’t been able to follow. Ask if you can begin at the beginning of the point they are trying to make and talk it through before moving on to the next topic or sub-topic. Or you might just ask them what’s important to them about what they were saying. Invite them to chunk it down for you.
BONUS!
11. Give yourself permission to not have the conversation. Sometimes we obligate ourselves to talk about things we aren’t interested in or have conversations with people we don’t want to. You are not required to have any conversation. If it is challenging, ask yourself what needs get met by having the conversation. Ask yourself as well what is the cost of having the conversation. Possibly you want to have it, just not right now. Possibly you aren’t interested in navigating this topic with this person. If you are saying yes to something —including have a conversation, when you mean no, everyone will pay. You will likely blame them for your yes (perhaps saying they manipulated you?) Take full responsibility for what you say and do, share you desires with the people impacted by your choices (be civil —as Brené Brown would encourage) and move on with your day.