Narcissus Poeticus: Beauty, Beast or Both?
What’s in a name? A great deal. These days as we have become more and more polarized in our views of each other and our capacity to dialogue and look for connection has diminished; we tend to label people as a way to claim them or other them. Labels are rarely used as tools to understand each other better or with more grace and curiosity. One of the most common labels currently thrown about is ‘narcissist’.
Recently, my VA (and herbalist), Mira Karakitsou offered in her blog, a story of the plant Narcissus with the words underneath, Youth, Beauty, Awakening Desire, Self-Love. Reading these words moved me so deeply. It was simply a breath of fresh air reading with delight that this flower and the idea of narcissism might signify something beautiful, or at least worthy of our compassion and care. Her description included “Named for the gorgeous Boeotian youth who fell in love with his own reflection.” It has been quite some time since I heard the word narcissist in any context other than the tragic and deep ‘othering’ of the super-common label we bestow on people who we don’t like. It is one of our modern-day buzz words to describe with great negativity all the people who aren’t able to listen to us in a way that feels good to us.
Does using this label ever work? Meaning does it generate the connection that we might be longing for when relating to someone? Does it relieve us of our compassion for another? Does it relieve us of our commitment to find mutual understanding?
Does it just relieve us of our responsibility to choose what we want in relationships —needs based.
When I hear it used by my friends and a few colleagues it seems to me that there is implicit blame laid at the feet of the person they are referring to for all the problems they experience in the relationship. Yet assigning blame in and of itself creates more disconnection. Does it actually take our power away? Given recent conversations I’ve had including with therapists, my guess is that most people think the opposite. Using this (and other labels) gives us our power back. I disagree.
In the Nonviolent Communication framework, dropping out of finding fault and blame is essential to the connection, shared reality, care we might long for. So is using ‘static language’. Using words to hold still an opinion or an assessment of another. Once we do this, we lose our curiosity to see the human-ness of another and the opportunity for connection or understanding, and usually compassion is lost.
Please don’t confuse seeing another person’s human-ness with the idea that you should or shouldn’t stay in the relationship. Whatever strategy you use to meet your needs –and hopefully with some care about the other person’s needs being met in some way, is what I suggest. Yet I encourage these choices being made from understanding your own limits, rather than decide it is the other person’s fault that this relationship has been so disappointing.
Where does your power lie? What choices are you making? Can you leave a relationship in order to find compassion? To me, losing my care for another human is a huge loss, no matter how I choose to relate to them. When you rely on someone else to abide by your rules (boundaries) and they don’t, you are destined for resignation and resentment --certainly less autonomy. Are you willing to commit to your own rules, advocate for your own needs being met, taking the steps necessary to create the relationship that works, even if it means not talking at all?
It is so much easier to lay the fault of your discontent in the lap of another. Regardless of the relationships you choose to have, I encourage you to keep your heart open. I encourage you to care and find grace and softness when you think of others. Like you, many have struggled so much that they aren’t able to soften in their own to trust that anyone cares about them. They don’t possess the wisdom or skills to do something differently or self-reflect in a way that generates change. Their choices offer them more and more disconnection and loss. This does not obligate you to stay in relationship. My hope is that you find enough compassion to care about their troubles and their negative self-story to at very least, hold a wish for their healing equal to your own.