Are You Sure About That?

When I was young —probably 3 or 4 years old, my mom told me something.  She told me that when cows were lying down it meant it was going to rain.  Maybe she told me this one or two more times, I’m not sure, yet I believed her completely.

Over the years I have seen a good deal of evidence suggesting that this fact wasn’t exactly accurate.  On the sunny days when the cows were lying down I assumed that it meant rain was on the way.

Recently I shared this information about the cows with my partner Steve.  He assured me that when cows were lying down they were chewing their cud and it wasn’t in any way related to weather.  His knowledge about cows is a great deal greater than I think my mom’s was.  He grew up on a farm and continues to live nearby and work on friend’s farms in his community currently.  I’m thinking my mom, who grew up in West Philadelphia may have liked cows, yet didn’t have a depth of real life interaction with them.

I fully believe Steve and understand now why they sit/lay down while digesting their food.  Still, literally every time I see cows lying down, my first thought is, ‘It’s going to rain.’ 

Because I know it isn’t true, I am able to quickly shift my belief about the weather patterns in the area.  Yet it’s striking that it remains the first thought I have.

This brings to mind what other thoughts I have that are instant reaction to something I see or hear.  Thoughts that are important to the quality of my life.  There are many that I am aware of and thankfully, am able to shift, almost as quickly as the cows and weather.  My concern is about the stories that are either outside my awareness, or I still believe.  Thoughts that aren’t serving me well.  The beliefs that contribute to my suffering.

And…how do those thoughts impact relationships?

Here’s one example:

I remember a specific time in my history with Steve that was transformative for us. This one made such a difference, the day and time is etched into my memory.  It happened when I realized that I was holding him hostage to thoughts I held as true that absolutely just weren’t.  Over and over, he was asked to respond to my concerns about trust.  Just like with the cows, it was obvious that what I thought didn’t align with what I actually witnessed over the years, yet the thought continued to be the lens through which I held our relationship.  In the instant I actually became aware of the burden these thoughts placed on us, I was able to drop them.  It was like a miracle to be honest.  The very nature of our relationship shifted in a way that I always hoped for yet didn’t imagine possible.  The connection and play, and joy we shared on a daily basis was off the charts increased.  Maybe unbelievable, yet true.

Just like with the cows, I had to reframe over and over, yet it was easy to do and so worth the minute of time.  Every now and then I still do. 

How about you?  Do you react to thoughts that may not be true??  Are you aware of how they impact your life and your relationships? 

Do any of these thoughts run through your mind from time to time?
~I am not worthy of my needs being met.
~I really can’t trust anyone completely.
~No one cares about me.
~My needs aren’t as important as …..’s needs.
~Things don’t work out for me.
~I am not lucky.
~I don’t want to ask, if they cared they would just know.
~I don’t want to be a burden.
~I won’t ever be financially stable.
~If my partner cared, they would….
~I have to do all the work if I want it to get done.
~They like this other person more than me.
~They will always schedule work before family activities.

~What else?

I’m sure I haven’t listed them all. Are you aware of the thoughts that no longer serve you?  Are you aware they just aren’t true, yet you possibly still believe them (even just a little bit)?

Are you holding your partner (or loved ones, co-workers, clients) hostage to your thoughts?   Have you ever checked in to see if the other person agrees with you?  The bonus of checking in, is that if your thoughts aren’t true, then you can navigate a way to shifting your perspective faster and faster in order to enjoy your relationship more and more.  If they are true, then you can have an actual conversation about how come this is happening.  When the stories about your partner (or partnership in general) get explored, you can have the relationship that you dream of (with this person).  If your partner isn’t willing or able, you will have the opportunity to move on to partner with someone who enjoys this level of intimacy. 

It is this kind of sharing and exploration that supports both of you shifting your perspective about your self, about relationships and about life.