I Already Said That!

Whether talking with friends who are working things out with someone, or with clients a working things out with someone, I will often make a suggestion, ‘have you said such and such?’  And that’s when it (repeatedly) comes!

I did say that!  Exactly that!  Many times!

There are a few things I have become aware over many years of teaching and learning NVC and how to relate effectively with other people.  

One is that we want a script.  I think it is one of the appealing things in this work.  There is a structure.  A “Say This, Not That” aspect to it.  I appreciate this at times when being crystal clear is so, so important.  Having a structure that I trust will increase the likelihood that my communication will be heard and well received offers me confidence to even speak.  

Another thing I am very aware of is the script is often not in the words.  It is the internal experience of connection and mutual understanding that drives what I am going to do or say next.

Marshall Rosenberg shared the quote, “Don’t confuse the map with the territory.”

When I am speaking with people and they tell me that they did say the words I offered as a possibility, (especially when the insist), I feel nervous, even a little suspicious.  This is one of those times when slowing down and checking in to exactly what said, and how it was said will go a long way toward finding the connection, mutual understanding, respect you might be longing for in relationships.   

Absolutely I think it is possible that they have said what I suggested.  It was even possible that it was said with curiosity and interest.  And still the other person doesn’t respond in a way that felt good to my friend/client.  It happens.  What happens more often with exploration is that it wasn’t said.  Maybe it was close, or had some of the words in it.  More likely, they really wished (and/or think they said it), and they didn’t. 

This might be a time to throw the script out of the window.  This is when we remember that we want connection.  This is when we hold our people dear and try to imagine what is going on with them —meaning connect to their needs.  The more able we are to just listen for that, the more possible you will find your internal capacity to be present to another person in a way that invites more of what you want.  

Referring again to some of the things I have become aware of while learning NVC.   A third things is that people tend to spend a good deal of time and energy becoming aware of their own needs.  Great work!!  And it is just a small portion of the work of connecting with others.  NVC is about creating a quality of connection where everyone’s needs matter.  NVC invites us to care about the person we are speaking to, which commonly seems exceptionally challenging —especially when we are upset.  We forget and lock into getting our own needs met.  

It is grueling enough just to connect to our own needs in times of distress after all.  And, they should care about us. The energy shifts toward ‘me vs. you’ rather than the ‘we’ energy we are hoping for.  

Possibly in these moments you are confusing strategies with needs.  Connecting more to what you are asking for (strategy) than to the you experience you are wanting to have (need).  In this case even if you did say the ‘perfect words off a script’ it was likely heard as it actually is, a demand that someone do something so your needs will get met, rather than a request for another person to contribute to your life.  In my opinion (and my experience) these two things are very different, and the quality of connection that comes from each is also radically different.

Next time you think you have ‘said the right thing’, or ‘done it right’ remind yourself to check in.  If you didn’t get the response you were hoping for, then what do you think happened?

Did you offer a request to meet your needs, or did you actually make a demand that the other person didn’t want to say yes to, and subsequently lost your ability or desire to consider all the needs, and continue by making a new request?

The script is a useful tool to include the aspects that are important:  observations, feelings, needs, and requests.  And the work of Nonviolent Communication is a bit more.  It is being connected enough with yourself and others, that you can easily navigate the needs present as conversation(s) unfold.