Tiny Contributions

I have been facilitating a group for years and years now.  We have been working together our practice of Nonviolent Communication for the purpose of deep connection and care in our relationships.  This group happens to be an order of sisters (yes, nuns.)  At least most of them.  Their median age I’m guessing is approaching 75.  They have lived lives of service –real service.  They share amazing life stories and are some of the most inspiring people I get to hang out with month in and month out.

This month one woman shared that as she rises in age, remembers less and less, and is able to do less and less, she still each morning remembers that she would like to have her day include what she termed:  Tiny Contributions. 

I was absolutely on board for this in so many ways.

It is something I tend to do in my own life, yet not quite this intentionally, and without the clever name.

More importantly, I regularly suggest to couples who are working with me to weave appreciations into their relationship immediately.  The idea seems so foreign to many.  Somehow sharing appreciations seems complex and they think they have to come up with wise and super big things to share.  Consider saying anything.  Highlight the small things—tiny things.  I like your socks, thanks for picking up the kids, feeling pretty happy you put your shoes on the rack tonight, remember the shelf you helped me carry last week?  So grateful.   Almost anything counts.  These are Tiny Contributions after all.  And repeating them counts. 

It seems easy enough to repeat complaints over and over.  Why?  Because we are wired to notice what’s wrong.  We have descended thousands of years from people who noticed what was wrong, got scared and did something, we are destined to continue that.  It’s called Negativity Bias.  However, in our modern world and especially in our relationships, it is a strategy destined for resentment and resignation. 

One of the easiest ways to transform the quality of your life is to notice what’s going right.  Even when life is not quite going your way --perhaps you just got a parking ticket, or are experiencing a setback in your job, or body pain.  At the same time, there are likely hundreds of things that are going right as well.  The more we can include those things in our thoughts, the more we can experience gratitude or joy.  Sure, some times it is more difficult than others, yet the more practice you have, the easier it becomes.  At times, you might include the tiny ones as the bigger ones elude us in the moment.

The same is true with your relationships.

If you begin each day with the idea of making tiny contributions in your relationships, you might find the amount of joy you experience increases.  If it is true that all humans are doing things to meet needs in every moment, and the deepest need we all have is to contribute, then it is fair to conclude that the more tiny contributions you make each day will lead you to more joy and feelings of security and calm.  Given that they are tiny then possibly it won’t take too long to accomplish the task at hand. 

When the lens you are looking at life with is how to make tiny contributions, I wonder how the overall quality of your life will shift.  Imagine how your significant other, or your parents or your kids, or your neighbor, the barista, or anyone really would experience your relationship if your intention each day was to make tiny contributions to them over and over.  What things might they be saying to you that you don’t hear now.   I wonder how the quality of your life might also shift if those you are closest with had the same intention.  What if we all just went through our days looking for ways to contribute to others –even in the tiniest of ways. 

If you aren’t doing this, I invite you to consider why?   This is a real question and I’d enjoy talking through it if you post your thoughts about this question in the comments.