All Days are Not Equal
We all have days when things seem to be flowing our way, and the other ones, when it seems like nothing is working out. Likely most days are a mixture of less dramatic life happening moments, nothing particularly remarkable.
The remarkable days have an impact on those close to us as our mood and how we are generally showing up is noticeable to them. On these remarkable days, particularly the ones where nothing is going your way how do you maintain connection with those around you? Do you let them know what’s happening for you?
Sharing with those who are closest to you what’s up —especially when you are in distress will help them support you as you navigate your ‘bad’ day. Many of us tend to shut out others for a variety of reasons. You might not want to bring them down, be a bummer, or something like that. Possibly you think they won’t notice if you don’t bring it up. Usually the opposite is what actually happens. Everyone knows there is distress, and without clear communication, those close to you can make it mean anything. Given the filters they might have, they could easily make it mean something about them. Typically, they will suffer with their thoughts about what is happening, until your mood shifts.
If they are struggling to understand why you are in distress, and make up a story that is about them and it isn’t good here’s what usually happens. Unless they have mad communication skills and the courage to speak up and check in, their sad story will occur as ‘true’. If it doesn’t get addressed at some point, it remains true and gets filed in their minds as part of your shared history.
This isn’t only true for significant others. Your biz partners, co-workers, kids, and even your friends might end up walking on eggshells on these days.
So how do you share what’s alive for you in your close relationships?
Honesty is a good place to begin.
Keeping in mind not to stretch beyond your limits.
If you don’t feel like sharing much —then just say so. I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to go my way, and just want to let you know I might be grumpy, or quiet. I prefer not to say much more, and unless you want something more for me,, I am just keeping you in the loop so you don’t have doubts about what’s happening.
If you are feeling melancholy, and perhaps you aren’t sure why, —then just say so. I’m feeling a bit down today and am not quite sure why. I’m probably going to be quieter than usual. If you want something from me, feel free to ask, yet I’m not likely to share more until I have something clear to share. I’m hoping this feeling will pass quickly.
If you just want space and maybe even quiet, —then just say so. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by recent events and would like to take some space. I’m still able to do my daily activities, yet would like to be quiet and thoughtful, rather than speaking it up. If you want something, please ask, yet if it isn’t urgent and you can hold your requests for a day, I’d really appreciate it.
If you are with your younger kids, this is especially important. They are still very connected limbicly with you. This means they really know what’s up —intuitively and might even get scared. They have capacity to make meaning of it, and less words to say anything about it. They are wired to feel distress when you do, and safe when you do. The more you can be open and honest with them, the more they can relax and feel safe. If you hold back, they learn to be suspect of their own feelings (not trust themselves) and to some degree no longer be able to trust you. When you share openly you are teaching them how to communicate distress in a way that has everyone feeling connected.
The same is true with adults in your life.
Sharing what’s happening in your life especially when it likely impacts them as well will go a long way to finding connection and support with those important to you.