Life is Busy ~ Where Does Your Relationship Fit In?

One of the differences in the coaching I offer from therapy is the focus of our attention.  In our coaching sessions we prioritize discovering practical strategies, rather than analyzing what went wrong,  Meaning no matter why you came to this (uncomfortable) place in your relationship, there are skills and agreements you can implement that will make an immediate difference.  

Shifting a struggling relationship requires practice.  Doing things differently.  Implementing skills.  Practicing them over and over.  Like a musician mastering their craft or any elite athlete (or even not so elite) getting better at something, calls for a good deal of attention and effort.  In my work that includes looking over the information sheets, implementing the agreements, coming back a second and third time when a conversation goes wrong the first time.

When people tell me they are busy I certainly understand.  However sometimes that means code for ‘we aren’t going to do the work’.  The funny (not funny) thing is that often the new strategies take up less actual time or the same amount of time than arguing.  However, if you really want your relationship to be different, then it requires doing it differently.  And that requires a good deal of intention, attention and effort.

When you say you want to change your relationship consider if you really are willing to do what it takes, or if you just wish it could be different.  The habits you find yourself in, including the schedule you set for yourself are all choices you make.  They don’t ‘happen’ to you, you create them.  Understanding the needs met by those choices will help you to discern whether or not you are ready to prioritize your relationship.  While that might sound discouraging, please remember that the amount of time you think it will take might be quite different than the time it actually takes.  Even if you think your relationship is in a dire situation.  Getting creative about how to implement the shifts can be a part of the shift itself.  In my opinion it can also be great fun. 

Here are a few ways you can instantly add some joy into your relationship.

1.  Text each other appreciations throughout the day (or at least once a day).  I would end up making it a contest, meaning my partner and I would be wanting to send more appreciations so we could ‘win’.  In that case, we both win, because we are each getting a bunch of appreciations (both sincere and silly) throughout the day.
2.  Before you go to sleep, name three ways the other has contributed to your life —either that day, or ever.  Don’t complicate this one.  It could be putting the shoes away, or moving a pillow.  Don’t only look for huge things, anything will do.
3.  Celebrate everything!  For example, if you tend to stay stuck in an argument for a few hours, and today you were able to get out of it in 10 minutes, celebrate that!  If your partner helped you do something, work on a project, or swept the yard or moved the furniture…anything.  Celebrate it!  This is important.  Remembering that we only do things to meet our own needs, and one of the deepest needs we have is to contribute, then celebrating will give your partner the acknowledgement they are longing for that they did, indeed, contribute. 
4.  Repeat #3 often.  People tell me they feel weird repeating these appreciations and celebrations over and over and I believe them.  We are so accustomed to repeating our complaints and have no problem taking the time to share them over and over.  This is one of those shifts that take absolutely no additional time, just a wildly different focus of your communication with each other.
5.  Make a connection activity center.  Take a ½ hour of your time to come up with activities that you enjoy doing together.  Things you used to do on the regular and have forgotten.  Taking walks, watching comedies, eating out, cooking together —whatever those things were when you were drawn to each other in the first place.   Keep this list in the kitchen or on your phones.  Perhaps you keep it handy in a drawer.  When you find yourselves in conflict and talking about it is creating more distance, either one of you can choose from the list something else to do.  There will be plenty of time to go over the details of the struggle.  Interrupt the habit of talking about something in a way that is not meeting the needs for connection and choose a strategy from your list that brings you closer together.

Clearly it will take more than these 5 things to bring your relationship to a place where you tend to experience joy (dare I say) in every moment.  Certainly most moments.  Putting this list into action is a great start.  And once these habits are in place, you might find enough restored connection that inspires hope and enthusiasm for creating the relationship of your dreams with the partner you have. 

Once you find your way back, and have the skills to navigate your conflicts with ease (and without having to lose connection, respect and care) you will have a lifetime of delightful partnership.  It doesn’t stay hard. Once you learn how and get skilled at navigating the challenges, the relationship itself becomes a touchstone for adding more joy into your life.  It is no longer work —it is pleasure.

In my experience it is absolutely worth the time.