Hit Parade

Sometimes something happens when —no matter how into NVC I am, I just want to scream and shout, blame and tell people how wrong they are.  Just last week I got an email I really didn’t like (two right in a row to be honest).  I got on the phone with my partner Steve for support.  I had only 10 minutes to find calm before a session.  Empathy was not the strategy.  I gave him two sentences to offer me in reply:  1.  You are not alone, and 2.  It sucks doesn’t it?  They worked pretty well.  

In that 10 minutes of freedom to say anything, I repeated twice:  “I want to punch someone in the face!”  Saying that was surprising and fun.   For two reasons:  one is that I felt so free to just feel.  The other is that we both immediately laughed hard because Steve is well aware of my punching skills.  Suffice it to say, I am not very good at it. I kind of hit with my fingers.  It’s not very effective in terms of hurting someone.  One other important benefit to that was for me to assess just how precious whatever the needs were —were to me.  Clearly very important given how angry I was.

Sometimes people say I just want to vent!  I’m not sure if this is exactly that?

Let’s pull it apart a bit and take a look.

To say whatever you want to say —not have to follow any kind of NVC structure, offers the need for freedom, self-expression.  

I wanted to shrug off the energy that is building in my body, so ultimately, screaming helped me to find calm as well.  Seems counter-intuitive, right?  

Marshall Rosenberg called it enjoying the jackal show.  

I am calling it listening to the Hit Parade.

I have a few criteria in which I will do this.  Otherwise my needs won’t get met:
1.  The person I am shouting at (to) has agreed to listen.  
2.  I trust the person to stop me when it gets too cumbersome, difficult, overwhelming, boring, exhausting for them.  Meaning meeting their needs for support (by supporting me) aren’t at the cost of their well-being or our connection, or anything really.
3.  The will not agree with me (except for possibly an agreed to amount of time).  When I am upset, I always want to find calm.  I am not looking for agreement.  At least til after I find calm.

Usually I am pretty good at getting to my needs pretty quick.  Sometimes I want a minute to feel.  In the case last week I felt scared, so I wanted companionship, and shared reality, maybe a bit of (perceived) safety, and care.  That’s why I called Steve.  I had 10 minutes, so my request for exactly what I wanted him to say —if it was true for him to say it, was the most efficient way I could get heard for my distress and find calm.  The laughing was a bonus!

Was it the same as venting?

I think not.

People who say they want to vent, rarely include me in their connection in the moment, they just go!  It isn’t obvious or clear that they have the self-awareness of wanting needs to be met.  Not only in the exact moment, but ever.  My experience of the ‘communication’ is a belief it is their right to just say whatever they want to, and possibly a vague belief that whatever they are saying is not only their truth, it is the truth.  While the energy is reduced, and relief is felt (sometimes), I’m not confident that there is a shift in perspective that will be helpful or healing.

Listening to the hit parade requires a witness of the thoughts that are running through our head, for the purpose of understanding the needs, driving our strong emotions.  Basically we are doing it so we can keep track.  Hearing our thoughts, no matter how judgmental they are, gives us the information necessary to connect to something that will help us make a difference in our situation.

Venting seems to me lacking this potential.  Often it seems to me that the person venting almost wants to stay angry, rather than shift into something that feels better and might actually be productive in the long run.  

Perhaps the difference I want to distinguish is about mindfulness and purpose.  Mindfulness while yelling, moving the energy through by yelling, rather than just the yelling.  

Note: Once again I was talking with a friend and colleague and she uttered the words: The Hit Parade, and this blog was born.