Forgiveness –- Compassionate or Violent?

I recently read a blog from Rick Hanson about forgiveness.  He begins his article with the idea that forgiveness is a complex topic and I agree.   Rick writes “Fundamentally, forgiveness frees you from the tangles of anger and retribution, and from preoccupations with the past or with the running case in your mind about the person you’re mad at.  Again, I totally agree.

It is in the basic assumptions of what forgiveness is and whose it is to give is where our lines of thinking diverge.   His article is based on the idea that I can forgive something someone else did.

Me forgiving you or you forgiving anyone, can only happen in the context of a ‘power over’ paradigm.  Meaning one person has the authority about what is right and what is wrong.  In the consciousness of Nonviolent Communication we consider ourselves and others through the context of ‘power with’.  Inside ‘power with’ culture, we acknowledge that my experience (what I think and how I feel) about something someone else said or did is related to the meaning I make, based on my own personal life experience and beliefs rather than the idea that what they said/did is just morally or any other way fundamentally wrong.

Instead of forgiving someone and accepting the implicit agreement that they said or did something wrong —and it is the ‘harmed’ person’s prerogative who gives permission for the other to be whole again, let’s look at this another way.  The invitation is for each person to connect with what’s alive—what needs are present in response to what was said or done.  Are you able to see what you are holding something against someone else?  Look to identify what is important to you about this. [Take a look at the NEEDS LIST].  

A little more information to help you with this.

When you are feeling upset it is because you are longing for more of something.  While we have been taught that it is because of what happened on the outside (another person’s actions, for example), in fact, that is not actually true.  If you can identify your need, the experience you are valuing, wanting more of, you will be more inclined (dare I use the word empowered?) to actually interact in a way that sparks more of that energy.  You have more of a possibility of generating that experience for yourself by what you say/do.  This is within your power.  It is up to you what you do in response to anything, and your response generates something for all involved.  This is part of being empowered.  Understanding that what we think is within our power.  Yes, it is true!

Here’s an example:  

My friend, Betty, tells me that she is talking with a mutual friend with whom I have distanced myself from years ago.  Betty knows this.  I have been furious for days, sometimes feeling hurt and scared, yet not willing to sit in those feelings for long.  I let a few weeks go by not talking with Betty, avoiding her calls.  I have been hanging out with some other friends, feeling more calm because they agree with me when I tell them how egregious Betty’s actions are.  Then one of my friends calls me aside and suggests that I forgive Betty.  We have been friends for so long, and she couldn’t possibly have meant to do me harm.  After all, Betty isn’t very sensitive, everyone knows that.  She means well.

I decide that this is a good idea.  I forgive Betty for her ‘bad behaviour’ for the reasons that my friend suggested.  I don’t even want to bring it up because it will just be a long and complicated conversation.  This way I feel good.  I am being magnanimous, even generous.  I appreciate certain aspects of my friendship with Betty.  I connect to those stories and call Betty, ask her to the movies and find that she is very happy to hear from me.  

In this example, I met my needs for connection and support with other friends, I connected to the idea that I was being compassionate, and appreciating what I did have with Betty.  I forgave her and everything is back to normal and good.

But is it really?

Here are some of the things missing for me from this scenario.

1.  Connection with the needs of mutual understanding between Betty and myself.
2.  An experience of honesty.  I never shared with her what was really going on.
3.  Curiosity of what was/is important to Betty when she is talking to this person I don’t like.  In NVC we call this dropping of the enemy image that she did something wrong.  Looking for her humanness.
4.  Connecting deeply to my own needs which are/were driving my being upset with Betty. 

This list could go on.  And the point I am trying to make isn’t about trying to stay upset with your friend or not.  I am suggesting that there is the possibility of connection and mutual understanding that might serve our friendship for a lifetime that I am likely giving up in this example.  

If I forgive Betty, then my experience of life is better.  If I really do forgive.  What this means is that I connect to the needs alive for Betty when she did the thing(s) that stimulated pain for me.  Even if I don’t actually speak with her about it, I can make a guess.  I can make an effort to connect with what is/was alive for her.  Most often, we pretend to ‘get over it’ (and continue to resent people quietly) 

Check in with yourself. 

If you are choosing to no longer be upset with someone in order to meet precious needs of your own ~ ease, care, friendship, for example; AND, you are confident that you are not just holding your resentment in (meaning not holding what they did against them), then connection will likely be established once again.

If you are not crystal clear on these things, and fully choosing based on needs what you want for your friend and yourself, you will continue to silently resent them all along and likely be hyper vigilant to notice if they are doing that thing you don’t like.  You will likely be a bit distant, yet not admit it to your friend when they ask about it.  Haven’t we all experienced this ~ in both directions ~ from time to time?  We know someone is mad at us and they insist that they aren’t.  The label passive-aggressive comes to mind.  

PRACTICE:

When you are ready to forgive someone try these things instead:

1.  Spend time breathing, connecting to your body, your sense of yourself and find some calm.  
2.  Consider what needs of your own are driving your thoughts and feelings of discontent.  Write them down. 
3.  Spend some time ‘savoring the needs’ as met.  Imagine times in your life, or other examples that you have experienced the needs met.  It might have been watching a movie, or a different time with the same friend.  It often helps going into a more challenging conversation if we have a deeper relationship with the need being met before we start the conversation.
4.  Reflect on the outcome you are hoping for when you ask for a conversation. 
5.  Ask for a conversation, sharing with the person what happened for you and your intentions for the discussion. 
6.  Begin with checking in to see if what you are thinking happened actually did.  Getting the facts straight.  Sometimes what we believe happened isn’t actually accurate. 
7.  Letting them know the meaning their actions had for you and then making a connection request.  Ask them what they heard you say or how they feel having heard what you said (or both?)
8.  Ask them what they were intending when they did the thing that stimulated pain for you.
9.  Acknowledge how you may have contributed to the situation as well.
10.  Share with them your solution for connection.  What might you offer?  What might you ask for?

In this scenario there is room to discover what is possible through connection, mutual understanding and truth.   

Creating this kind of experience for myself and my friends/colleagues/family has been so much more powerful and rich than ‘forgiveness’.    

Again, like we stated at the beginning, forgiveness is both simple and complicated.  Try this approach and let me know how it works for you.