This is Going to be Hard

Have you ever heard someone say this?  I have. 

This is an example of sharing a thought as if it is the truth.  As a listener, depending upon the situation I find it challenging to listen any further.  Because I know it isn’t true, I have lost my connection with the person.

Our thoughts are quite powerful.  According to all sorts of scientists and shamans.  So possibly becoming more mindful of what you think —whether you keep it to yourself or share it loud and proud will help you create the life you want.

It is accurate to say I think this is going to be hard.  This is a revealing of your thoughts.  I can hang with this.  If you are going to have a ‘break up conversation’ with your partner, I can certainly understand that you think it will be hard.  If you are going to once again, suggest to your tweenager that you prefer they pick up the things on the floor, again, I can understand that you think it will be a challenging conversation.  

If you are able to notice your thought as distinct from what’s precisely true, you increase the possibility to change the outcome.  You will be able to make more powerful choices.  In fact, this thought can turn out to be productive if you are willing to take a moment and give that thought some space and consideration.  

Taking time to honor that your thoughts can lead you uncovering what’s actually important to you, and when you do that, you might be able to prepare or take steps to shift to the outcomes to one’s that you are more interested in having.  Especially when your thoughts contribute to your suffering.

Ask yourself these questions ~ and then answer them:

~What do I imagine will make it hard?  
~How do I feel when thinking that this is true?  
~What is the reason you think you will feel bad?   Meaning what are the needs I am longing for which are causing my feelings of distress. Knowing this might help you come up with a plan that will reduce the ‘difficulty’ of what you are going to do.

The purpose of all this is to determine how you might make the hard thing a little easier.   It could be as simple as changing your mind about it.  Literally, it isn’t actually going to be hard, you just convinced yourself it is.  And it might be that you can simply make something a little less hard.  Just by checking in and establishing where the thought comes from.  Something that happened in the past?  

Here’s an example of simply changing my mind —shifting from thinking “this is going to be hard,” to “this is going to be fun”:

I was talking with a new client, someone I actually knew already and who wanted to begin coaching with me.  When our conversation moved to the topic of finances, I said, “I think it is awkward and sometimes challenging to talk about money”…and then gave my rap.  This person responded with “I love talking about finances!” and continued with why they enjoyed it.  Instantly, I was hooked.  I now love talking about finances.  No need to buy into any stories any longer of how hard it is.  Considering how often I navigate finances, this new idea has relieved me of a good deal of discomfort in recent years.

To illustrate the second of the opportunities to shift believing how hard something might be before it even happens, let’s use my example above; I want to break up with someone I’ve been dating for a while: 

I think they are going to feel sad, or possibly angry…they never seemed happy in the relationship and tended to blame me for it.  The truth is I like this person, just think they aren’t going to be a good match for me long term as a partner, and I am looking for a partner.

Here are the things I am thinking will make it hard:
1.  He will be unhappy and will want to negotiate with me, which I don’t want to do.
2.  He will ‘yell’ at me, telling all the ways I haven’t measured up (ruined his life).
3.  This will continue longer than I might like —meaning he will take his time getting things out of my place.  If that happens, I will be in a position to make some decisions about how long I want to stay in contact if it isn’t pleasant.
4.  He might not want to give me the few things I want that I left at his place.
5.  I am concerned about the impact the break up with have on some mutual friends.  

Here are some feelings I will be having:
1.  super-sad — I like this person. I just don’t think we are a good match given what we want to do in life.  I will be losing a good deal;  humor (we laughed a good deal), adventure (he took me on long walks in the woods) to name a few.
2.  a bit nervous, worried —about the amount of energy and time this might take that I would prefer to focus on other things.
3.  aggravation —listening to stories about me that I won’t like.
4.  loneliness —both for the loss of this connection and possible loss of friendships that I was nurturing.
5.  disappointment — I was hoping this relationship would be the one that lead to the partnership I am hoping for.
6.  relief —I have been suffering for a few months now thinking about making this decision and having this conversation.
7.  hopeful —I believe that once I am out of this relationship, I will free myself up to make choices about  creating the relationship of my dreams

The reasons I will feel bad —list of needs that are causing my feelings:
1.  partnership
2.  friendship
3.  care
4.  belonging
5.  ease
6.  mutual understanding
7.  compassion
8.  play/laughter/joy

Okay…I have taken the time and answered the questions.  Now my job is to see if there is anything I can do to that will make this a little less hard.

Here’s the short list I came up with to meet the needs I have uncovered through this process:
1.  Reach out to some good friends and let them know what I am up to.  Schedule some time together in the coming, either doing some fun things, and/or doing self-care things.  Needs met:  comfort, joy, belonging, care
2.  Reach out to the friends (after I give my boyfriend notice) that I am concerned with losing friendship sharing with them that I hope to be able to continue being friends and navigate those relationships.  Needs met:  belonging, friendship,  mutual understanding
3.  I will pack up all the things of his at my place so everything is ready together when we have that part of the conversation.  Maybe I will even offer to drop it off, if I think it will be received well.  Needs met:  ease, mutual understanding
4.  I will make an inventory list of what of mine is at his place, determining what I am willing to part with and if there is anything I seriously want back for when it comes time to negotiate that.  Needs met:  ease, mutual understanding.
5.  I will have prepared a list of what I am celebrating that he brought into my life and that I consider a big loss.  I might even purchase a gift that indicates something that we mutually appreciated.  Needs met:  care, compassion, celebration, mutual understanding.
6.  Depending upon what happens during the conversation, I might invite us to take space and if we want to check in with each other in a month, to see if there is more that we want to say, or if we want to consider pursuing friendship.  Needs met:  ease, spaciousness, mutual understanding, care
While I can think of a few more things, this blog is about interrupting what you believe is true with distinguishing what is true from what you think is true, not how to effectively break up with someone.  

NOTE:  I am not actually breaking up with my partner, or even thinking about it.  I like my partner very, very much.  It is just an example of something I think could be hard.  Quite frankly while writing this part I was remembering the break up with my husband, which happened over 30 years ago and was hard.  I wish I had these tools back then.  Although I think it would have been hard no matter what.  augh.

There are so many things we tell ourselves.  It isn’t limited to this particular topic.  What do you tell yourself, that have convinced yourself is true, when it is actually a thought, which can be changed and make your life more wonderful.

Here’s a short list:
~You get a letter from the IRS.  Thought:  This is going to be bad.
~Your friend calls and asks for a conversation.  Thought:  They are wanting to tell me something bad.
~Someone gives you a plant as a housewarming gift.  Thought:  I kill all plants.

How about some general ones:
~I can’t afford it.
~Nothing looks good on me.
~I could never do that.
~I can’t remember anything.
~I will never be as fit as that person.
~I will never be as fat as that person.
~I can’t go back to school at my age.
~Yoga isn’t for me.

Again, some of these things might turn out to be true.  This is about not believing your thoughts, especially if they stop you from trying or doing something you dream about. 

Many years ago I went through a two year period where if I heard myself say (or think) “I can’t….,” I had a practice of replacing it with ‘I must…”.  I ended up doing many things back then that I couldn’t do as a spiritual practice.

Maybe this is something for you to give a try?  If I can’t, I must…  At very least you will be more mindful of what you say (and think).  Especially if you really don’t want to do something.  

I will add one more thing.  Again an experience from my own life.  I was in a coaching call.  I was the client.  My coach asked me a question, which instantly and so far, forever, changed the quality of my life.  She asked me this:  Are you willing to meet your needs by how you think?

I realized in that moment, that things I was thinking were true, hadn’t been for quite some time.I just wasn’t willing to notice it –in my case for some sort of story that I was protecting my heart. One of the many best things I ever did for myself, was answer that question honestly.