Practice Makes (Almost) Perfect
When I discovered Nonviolent Communication (NVC) it was an instant click. When I began to study, it made so much sense to me and somehow I just knew it was ‘it’ for me. I listened to Marshall’s CD’s and watched videos consistently, over and over. I had done ‘communication work’ in the past, (quite a variety of programs). They were helpful and I received lots of gems from those practices. Yet, when I came across NVC, there was a larger context that the work was woven into that was important to me. It offered me more, I was sure it was the magic bullet.
And it was, most of my difficult relationships transformed in a way not previously possible. Not just with my significant other, with everyone. And as I continue to study the work, my whole life outlook has shifted. Recently in a workshop I was co-leading, and my partner shared a quote she heard from Kit Miller: “NVC is self-awareness work masquerading as a communication tool.” I agree wholeheartedly.
In the beginning, lucky enough for me, my partner was equally into the work and maybe not so lucky, we had enough struggles that I/we got to practice. Quite a bit. It was through having conversations over and over and running it through the structure of observations, feelings, needs and requests, offering empathy and honesty that made our challenges shift from, at times, painfully dramatic, to productive. And now to simply delightful.
Simply because we practiced. We were and still are committed to the process.
Most people I work with are also quite inspired by the Nonviolent Communication process. Inspired because of the impact it has on relationships. Even if they haven’t experienced it themselves, they feel the possibility. Clients (and friends) want their relationships to shift in some way. They come to me suggesting they care so much for each other, they just struggle to communicate in ways that are effective or connecting. Instead they are experiencing a distance that they just don’t like. Some have even fallen into the trap of unspoken resentment.
Couples find their way to the tenderness and care and joy they anticipated by doing the work. And some do not. Some organizations find new ways to implement communication tools and team building that makes the workplace a cohesive and pleasant atmosphere, and some less so.
What’s the difference?
Practice.
Learning the ideology and structures of NVC is pretty easy. Practicing and implementing it into your life and relationships seems to be quite a challenge for some.
Maybe because it is so simple, it is difficult to ‘get’ that it is quite different from most of us do on a daily basis in our communication. We tend argue strategies, rather than sink deeply into the needs we intend to meet by those strategies. We tend to look for fault and who is to blame, rather than get curious about what happened and what needs were trying to be met by the ‘tragic strategies’ (strategies with a high cost). It requires practice, over and over to re-write the neural pathways and biochemistry that has developed over the years. Practicing after the argument, meaning going over what happened through the structures of NVC (some call it a post-hearsal) will help you develop the skills –and the connection and mutual understanding you were hoping for during the argument. The more you do this, either on your own (self-empathy, or with the other person, the faster and faster you will be able to just stay present to whatever is happening before you. Life really does change, not just relationships.
The question I get so often is how do you do it in real time? This is the way.
Here are some resources to help you practice. If you want something more or different, please ask in the comments and let’s see how we can support you in making the changes you are hoping for.