Love As a Practice

Love.  Such a wonderful word.  I’m guessing you —like most of us wants the experience of love in your life and in your relationships.

The word means so many things to so many people.  It is nuanced.  Some people throw it around freely, others use it with great care.  It’s difficult to pinpoint its meaning to only one thing.

Something we might all agree on is that as an experience, we tend to enjoy it.  We know what it feels like.  Our picture might include a sense of general well-being, trust, confidence, warmth, acceptance and joy. 

What we might not agree on is what we mean when we use the word love as a verb.  Love doesn’t occur to me as a verb, even though many of us use it more often this way than as an abstract noun.  In my work you might guess that I think of love as a NEED —met, or not, rather than a strategy in and of itself.

How do you love someone? 

It is by doing other things.  Things like:  making dinner, doing things together, holding hands, cleaning up, listening to stories, telling stories, sharing time, helping with chores, cuddling, crying together, laughing together. 

I saw the title Love as a Practice in an email I received from WiseHeart, LaChelle Lowe-Chardé.  I haven’t even read what they wrote, and was inspired to share my own thoughts about this.

I am a big fan of thinking about what you say before and as you say it.  If it is true (as I believe yes) that everything we say and do is an attempt to meet needs, then I want to know the needs I am hoping to meet when I say stuff.  This is mindfulness, and essential to living an intentional life.  It is part of the encouragement to slow down.  I am not particularly against saying I Love You.  I often wonder what people mean when they say it.

I have experienced people saying they love me immediately followed by saying or doing things which seem to conflict with loving me.  For example:  I love you, therefore I am going to tell you all the ways you have done me wrong. 

Because of my work and having the privilege to witness couples working relationships out, this theme is pretty consistent.  I love you, therefore you must act in a certain way.  What does one have to do with the other?  The words all get muddled.  Thrown around without clear meaning. 

Then there is the experience, when I ask, “Why do you stay (in a relationship) when I hear virtually nothing but complaints?”, the reply is:  “I love them”.  What does that even mean?  If I am confused then possibly so is the person in the relationship hearing these words.  It happens with parents and kids as well.

This love theme brings up a memory from many years ago.  I was at a Network (Chiropractic) seminar. In with a group of people where we were all receiving body/energy work.  Blockages to ourselves through our nervous systems were cleared.  At some point during the weekend, I was sitting in a big room, looking at people walk by and just doing their thing.  People I have known for years.  In this moment, I realized that each person who walked by me, or I noticed for some reason, I had the thought, “Oh, wow, they look beautiful!” or “Wow, they are so good at what they are doing.” or, “This person has such a wonderful way about them.”  Everyone I laid my eyes on.

I recall thinking to myself, “This is what being in love is.”  It is an experience I am having.  It is a lens through which I am seeing people.  They likely were the same as they always were —I was different.  That moment remains in my memory as completely transformative.  I clearly received a message that being in love has only to do with me.  Nothing in particular is required of the other(s).

Thinking that we are in love with someone gives someone else ‘power’ they don't have and isn’t true. Translated into needs language, it means I see the world through new eyes when I am with you.  I have more confidence and calm and presence.  I am having an experience of love.  Of course, they are contributing to this experience in a few ways.  By sharing with you all the ways you have changed their life, or the beauty they see in you.  Or simply by giving you their attention and care.

Love as a Practice

How can you be more mindful when you sink in to ideas about love?

1.  As with anything, if you and the people you ‘love’ are all good with how this idea is being shared back and forth, then no change is required. 

If there is room for clarity, more understanding, more connection and/or shared reality you want to have in one or more of your relationships, consider these ideas.

2.  Think about what you mean when you say I love you.  Perhaps there is something that is more accurate you might say?  Something that helps you to share your message more clearly, and the other to receive the message you intend?

Here are some suggestions:

I just loved it when you did…… 
I felt so good when I got home and saw….
I am so happy that we get to do these things together.
My life has gotten so much better since you have been in it.  I am particularly remembering this….
Thank you for doing ….. I feel (relief, joy, such deep gratitude, pleasure —pick one or three)
When I say I love you this is what I mean….

3.  When you say (or think) I am in love with someone, consider what is the experience you are having?  Move the focus of your attention to inside you, rather than on them.  Perhaps then you can share how you experience life since they are in it.  Or how you feel when you are together?

Here are some examples:

~  Since I have met you, I have become aware of new ways of thinking.  I am so grateful to have these new experiences.  I am grateful to you for awakening me to these ideas you have that are new to me!
~  There is a way that you relate to others (including me) that I am so moved and inspired by.  I experience generosity of heart, or thought and care that I just adore.
~  I am so grateful to you for how you listen to me.  It is rare that people give me their attention in the way that you do.
~  It is so wonderful to be sharing life and time with you. The experience of having similar life values has been such a relief and joy.

4.  If you do say I love you with some regularity, do you also check in with the other things you say and do?  Are those things congruent with what you think love is?

Finally, I suppose what I am really hoping for, for myself, for all the people I know and have yet to meet, and for our world that seems to have lost its way —I am hoping love will become a practice.  A mutual and sacred spiritual practice.