Fine Lines

Like many others during the past few months when we have been inside and mostly solitary, I took the opportunity to evaluate my life and the choices I have made.  What I came to was I loved my life.  I had been mindful enough over many years to design my relationships and work such that I am doing mostly the things I want to with the people I enjoy being with.  Yet at the same time, my life is woven into a society that is in very many ways something I am disappointed in, and often absolutely appalled by.  These seemingly disparate thoughts had me thinking about the fine lines of life.  

How does this relate to relationships?

I am pretty consistently referring to needs when I write about relationships.  And I only write about relationships.  

I write things like “check in to see what your needs are.” Or, “slow it down, connect in and feel into what needs you are hoping to meet.”  Or, “Take a minute to consider what’s important to you about what they said or did.”  

Connecting to my needs has basically become my life preserver in relationships.  As someone who thinks fast and has amazing skills to speak before thinking —learning and practicing connecting to needs in many ways has actually saved my life. I have healed (or improved) many relationships which have (or had) so much meaning for me.  My own transformation, in addition to working with so many others successfully, is likely why I am so confident in this process and so grateful for it and all the people who helped me along the way.

I was pretty instantly attracted to the work of Marshall Rosenberg, watching videos and listening to CDs, somehow I knew this was my personal work and in the ever so Aries way, almost instantly became the work I wanted to do in the world.  That said, in the beginning, while I was 100% committed to the work, at the same time the world of needs seemed incredibly foreign to me. 

So what I did was practice.  Until I really had it down.  And now I continue to consider the fine lines.  

When we think about our needs, we are always guessing.  We are using words that mean different things to different people.  Even when we have some clarity about our needs, the process is so nuanced, I invite you to slow down even more and think about the fine lines.  Here are a few:

Obligation v. Responsibility
Responsibility is a need.  Obligation is not.  If I am doing something, even if I prefer to do something else, I might choose to do it because it meets my own need for responsibility.  Here’s an example:  I want to travel away for a holiday (my usual habit), yet there had been significant distress in my family, so for the sense of stability and responsibility, I stayed home and made a holiday dinner gathering at my place. I was happy to do it.  Responsibility is a value is something that is very important to me. 

Conversely, if I stay home because I think I should, or the family will be mad at me if I go, or theyhave no where else to go…this scenario describes doing something out of obligation (rather than responsibility).   I will make dinner, I will not be happy, and likely ‘everyone will pay’, which means resentment will accrue.  Basically, I said yes when I meant no and I blame others for that.

The difference between responsibility and obligation can be quite a fine line.  It requires deeper consideration.

Unless you are just happy to do something, I encourage you consider the fine lines of your choices before you make them.   If you find yourself unsure in a situation similar to this, spend time imagining yourself in each of your decisions —doing it and not doing it.  Notice how you feel when you imagine each.  It might give you the information you need to distinguish what you really want to do.   If you are choosing the option that might be more challenging or upsetting for those you care about, then spend time navigating feelings and needs with that person (people) as you make your choice. 

Resignation v. Acceptance
These two also get confused pretty regularly.  Acceptance is a need.  Acceptance of a situation is critical to one’s happiness.  Acceptance is important for the purpose of making a plan about what you about the circumstance are accepting.  It basically means stop pretending that things are different than they are.  Contrasting that with resignation, which means giving in, giving up one’s power.  While they get confused, in the experience of the impact they are wildly different. 

Here’s an [untrue] example:  I am dating a person who is allergic to pets.  I have been volunteering at the SPCA 2 days a week, because it has great meaning to me to take care of those animals. I adore animals. I imagine them being a rich part of my life ongoingly.  Every time I visit my partner directly returning the SPCA, he sneezes and swells up and he gets a bit aggravated that I go even though he has asked me to stop.  He gets really uncomfortable.  Other than that, we enjoy each other’s company, laugh a lot, have similar values, have super chemistry, and share similar life plans. 

Acceptance:  This is such a challenge.  I have a partner who I adore, yet there will be a limit to the exposure to animals that he can endure and still be happy and healthy.  I love animals and was hoping to have a few in my future.  I will have to be creative in how I get to enjoy these wonderful creatures.  Maybe I could do my volunteering and either shower at a friend’s on my way home, or bring a change of clothes.  Or maybe we can time it so he is out of the house on the days when I volunteer, so I can get home and shower and he will not have to suffer.

Resignation:  This is such a challenge.  If I stay with this guy, I will never get to have animals in my home.  I will likely never be able to volunteer at the SPCA, which means I will lose my friends there as well.  I finally found someone who I like, yet we can never be happy together because I like animals and he doesn’t.  I guess we aren’t going to make it as a couple.  Bummer.  I am getting older and there is no way I will find another person who I will like and will end up with a long and lonely life.  (I added a little drama for effect!)

I am imagining that the difference between the two responses if obvious?

I have one more…

Ranting v. Complaining
When people share their concerns about compassionate communication, one of the things I hear is ‘I want to have my feelings’.  This usually means ‘I want to be able to be angry.’   I understand how people can get the impression that learning NVC (compassionate communication) is going to insist that they put that away or stuff it.  The opposite is true.  Anger exists as a significant source of wisdom and information that we require to successfully navigate life —like all of our emotions. 

As a person who gets angry and never had a problem letting people have it, I mostly got shut-up.  I (not so) quickly learned that being angry is inappropriate in group situations and usually unproductive in private relationships.  Yet is isn’t the anger that is the problem at all, it is how I respond to my anger.  My strategy when I was angry was to raise my voice, get red in the face and then try to convince someone (for any length of time) that what they just did was not only the cause of my distress, it was plain wrong.  THIS is what doesn’t work.  Not being angry in the first place.  And it isn’t even the raising of the voice, that we (NVC) is concerned with.  Not at all.  It is the blame.  Plain and simple.

So then…what’s a rant?  And how is it different than complaining?

A rant does a few things.  It gives a person space and time to connect with the value (need) that is important to them.  A rant has energy behind it that wants to be expressed.  As a listener to a rant, can you enjoy the passion, and the depth of importance to whoever is doing the ranting?  As you are listening, you can begin to think about what is important beneath their words, and then when the energy dissipates, you are able to connect with the person about the very precious unmet needs.  A rant is fast, rather than ongoing (usually).  The energy of a rant is that change is about to happen.

 Complaining, maybe you will agree with me, lasts forever.  There is usually little energy behind it (possibly some resignation mixed in for a double whammy of non-need connected communication?).  Likely the person has shared this information before, either with you, and/or many others.  Often, when you have heard the story before, you offered empathy, possibly even solutions or strategies to meet the needs uncovered in previous conversations.  The energy of complaining is that change will never happen.

These are just three of the fine lines I have been noticing.  Can you think of some others?

When you are with your friends and family co-workers and partners, perhaps understanding these fine lines will help you navigate what you say and how you listen.