Too Much?

Can something or someone be too much?  Or not enough, for that matter?

Well, yes.  And no.

Lets begin with this example:  The amount of butter and maple syrup restaurants put on pancakes.  

I might be tempted to say they put too much on.  I might even say way too much.   However, what is actually true, is that they put on more than I like.  Too much for me.  I’m guessing if they put on the amounts they do it is because more other people like that amount, so they think it is just right.  And then I might be eating with a friend who orders extra on the side because it isn’t enough.

What we learn in this example is that there is no actual thing or description outside of us that exists as ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’.  When you use static language (he is, you are, my father is, that is) to describe something or someone, it just isn’t an accurate statement.  What is accurate is how you feel and what you think about it.

Has anyone ever suggested that you are too something?  Growing up I heard (over and over) that I was too sensitive.  The result in those moments was three-fold.  1.  If the person was trying to have me stop crying, it was a bad strategy because I tended to cry more.  2.  I learned that something was wrong with me.  3.  I lost connection with the person because they haven’t shared at all what was going on for them —which is the missing piece here.  What they didn’t share was how they felt because they were experiencing my feelings.

I find this kind of language pretty common.

How does this impact our relationships?

Most often, if someone doesn’t agree your assessment of too much or not enough (or even other judgments) they will either argue back, stay quiet because they know you will never change your mind (or aren’t open to listening).  Likely they will begin to hold back sharing what is important to them, so they aren’t ‘made wrong again’.   All of these will lead to loss of connection, understanding, or companionship.  Often resentment also begins to build.  

 Alternatively, someone you are speaking with might agree with you and there are seemingly no problems.  Except when someone agrees with your assessment and it is about them.  In that case, likely at some point, when they no longer agree with you, the problems will become apparent.  

It might seem counter-intuitive yet this kind of communication is from an un-empowered place.  Meaning, you are afraid.  You aren’t willing to risk being open and honest about what is you are experiencing.  It seems like power, yet it is more like muscling your way through a difficult situation, trying to get people to believe what you think by declaring it as the truth.  All so you don’t have to feel what you are feeling.  You don’t want to be vulnerable.  My question is vulnerable to what? 

Understanding that there is very real neurology/hard wiring (albeit obsolete) that drives this desire to be right offers an opportunity to have compassion for yourself and others trying to work it out.  There are reasons why you don’t want to ‘let your guard down’, or tell people what’s true.  Quite frankly this is the work.  To slow your conversations down enough to recognize what is happening when you want to push away feelings and cling to your thoughts.  You want to be able to notice it is happening and interrupt it —over and over.  Because (in most cases) when there is no real physical danger present, it is our own feelings that we are afraid of.  

To quote Brené Brown, “Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.  People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real bad-asses.” 

In relationships, it is critical to begin to be able to not only feel but to acknowledge our feelings. They are designed to let us know what is important to us.  They are the source to understanding our needs.  Knowing our needs leads us to be able to determine effective strategies to get them met.

When you want to find your power back inside any relationship, do the very opposite of what you have been taught and what feels ‘right’, and start revealing how you are feeling.  It is this practice that as Brené Brown suggests, will make you a bad-ass.  And you will likely experience more of the understanding and connection you are longing for in your relationships.

Conversely, if people are telling you that you are too ‘this or that’, here are a few suggestions for connecting responses (as opposed to, “I am not!”).  This goes for any judgments or opinions that people are you offering as the truth.  

1.  It seems like I am doing something that is challenging for you to understand, or get behind.  Will you tell me more about this?
2.  What is it that you are upset about when I do ‘this or that’?
3.  You seem to be having strong feelings about this and I can’t quite understand what they are.  Will you tell me how you feel right now?
4.  I am happy to explore this belief you have, especially since I don’t agree with you.  Will you have a conversation with me about this?
5.  It is so hard for me to talk with you when you tell me your opinion as the truth.  I have a different opinion.  I’d like to understand more about how you came to this conclusion and share with you my thoughts as well.  Are you interested?

Please remember that they are doing it because they are afraid as well.  Possibly afraid of losing a relationship with you, or their deep sense of belonging and connection.  Even if it seems impossible that this is the case.  

The more you can remember this, and truly come from a place of curiosity and compassion, the more likely their needs and your own will get met in the conversation.

This is something you can’t do too much!