Good Relationships are all About Compromise? I Hope Not!

Many relationship ‘experts’ out there say that compromise is the key to a healthy relationship.  The idea of it seems very unappealing to me.  It sounds confining.  Compromise seems incredibly limited —suggesting that both partners will being doing stuff they don’t want to, and relatively often.  I would think twice about agreeing to this.  When I was young, I didn’t think twice or even once about this and, quite frankly, those relationships were pretty unpleasant.

I now firmly believe that the purpose of any relationship and true partnership is to support each other in blossoming to our fullest potential, manifesting our dreams and generating more than we could if we were single.

Compromise isn’t necessary for a healthy, satisfying and joyful relationship.  In fact I don’t recommend it.

What?!?!  How can that be?

You aren’t destined to compromise over and over just because you want to be in a relationship.  My guess is when the experts suggest compromise as the basis of a good partnership it is because they are only seeing relationship through the lens of strategies.  Strategies are what you ask others for, and what they ask you to do. 

There is something deeper to be mindful of.  Remember that everything you say and do, including what you offer others and what you ask others to do, is an attempt to meet a need.  Needs are universal to us all, and with a bit of creative thinking you will find all needs can get met pretty easily.  When your relationship is based on meeting needs, ultimately there is no compromise. 

Here’s a quick example: 

I love going to the beach. When I go there, there are many needs I am hoping will be met. I find it restful, and healing, and beautiful.  Those are needs, by the way.  My partner doesn’t love the beach.  He doesn’t find it restful, or even all that interesting.  If I ask him to go to the beach together I am anticipating connection time with him, connection to the earth, beauty, rest, pleasure, and companionship.  Some of these needs are met when we go.  However, many are not. Because my partner isn’t going to sit and stare at the waves, nap, or even be relaxed at the beach (prefers to play volleyball, or watch volleyball, or almost anything else other than sitting on the beach), I am not likely going to rest, or even enjoy our time.

In this situation, one might suggest that we compromise.  Perhaps we go to the beach together for a short period of time, and then I do the thing(s) he likes.  Rather than more needs getting met by this decision, it’s really the opposite.  Neither of us fully enjoy either experience.  We are just doing something the other person likes because ‘we should’.  It’s what couples do.  Doing things because we should leads to resentment pretty quickly.

My thinking is more like, why would I even bring him to the beach if he isn’t enjoying himself? I know plenty of people who enjoy the beach just like I do, and if I go with them, all of our needs are met.  Without compromise (for him or me).  More importantly, if I say I care about someone, I do not want to insist they to do something they don’t want to—presumably for me.  Unless there were very good reasons to go with him, beach time is something I most often figure out without my partner.

When considering needs, another possibility exists. My partner might have a day where he wants to support my health and chooses to hang out with me on the beach.  He might find a book to read, or something to listen to —meaning we could sit side by side meeting needs of companionship and rest and beauty for me, and him meeting his needs companionship and support for my well-being.  Do you see there is no compromise?  I am not obligated to now go and do something he likes. 

I also experience pleasure watching my partner do stuff he loves to do, so there are times when I say yes —or even suggest, we do something he thinks is fun.  Like throwing a football.  He loves it.  I have a good time experiencing him coming up with football throwing games, laughing and running, just playing.  Even though I can’t imagine ever saying to someone else, ‘Hey, let’s go and throw a football!’  This also happens when he wants support for other things—like organizing projects or computer stuff.  I think carefully before I reply, being tuned into what needs its meets to say yes.

Often people think this is ‘selfish’.  Not true —it is self-centered.  One of the core assumptions of nonviolent communication is that everyone’s needs matter equally. What self-centered means to me is, knowing what your needs are so that you can easily and honestly negotiate with others —remembering that you want their needs met as well.  This is the difference between selfish, and being self-centered.

We like to believe we are doing something for someone else, which just isn’t true and quickly leads to resentment.  What is true is we do things to meet our own needs, which might be to contribute to another person’s life (meet their needs).   Contribution and meaning are essential to our own happiness so it works out perfectly!

It is really delightful to interact with a person who is clear and direct with me when expressing their needs, and trust their interest in knowing mine so we can easily navigate how they all get met.  I experience it as having complete freedom to ask for what I want, trusting they will do the same.  It is almost the opposite of compromise.  It seems more expansive, and exceptionally creative, and joyful.